Girl staring at swimsuit maxi pad bulge

There's this super neat thing we get to use to track page views and stuff called StatCounter. I love seeing the creepy search terms that lead people to things I've written here. When someone googles something especially weird, I add it to this list. I'm not sure what it says about me that "masturbate horses to make them run faster" leads to shit I've written, but okay. Incidentally, does that work? Now I'm curious enough to google it and suddenly my search history is 20% creepier. For the record, results are inconclusive enough that I'd put off rustling Seabiscuit's jimmies at least until a day when there's nothing good on TV.

1. "The more you masturbate, the creepier you get"

False. The more you masturbate in public the creepier you get. If you're at home (note to my neighbor: this does not include your balcony), you can fucking go to town. But don't actually go to town, since that's a public area.

2. "Uncle rapey"

… is actually quite a kick at family barbecues. Just remember to say no if he asks you to try his special sauce.

3. "My bitch has fat lady bits"

Can lady bits be fat? How does this work? Does the term "lady bits" refer specifically to her nether regions or is this about boobs? I'm pretty sure fat boobs equates to big boobs, and I've never heard anyone complain about big boobies.  Or is this in reference to a dog? Why are you concerned about your dog's lady bits?  Remember kids, don't fuck your dog. Assert your dominance like a normal person, by peeing on it while it sleeps. "What is the point of peed on bitch", I just answered your query, too.

4. "Bible stories as told by rednecks"

"And on the eighth day, Jesus appeared in a fried pork rind so that he could watch NASCAR with your Uncle Jim-Bob." Do you ever have days where you just feel stupid? I was having one of those but then my two-packs-a-day redneck neighbor informed me that her pastor blesses her cigarettes so that she won't get cancer and the moment passed, just like she will.

5. "Adult Depend diaper red dot front or back" (image search)

Alone, you might think that this was someone trying to figure out how to put on an adult diaper. But this is the internet, and things are never not creepy. Related search terms include:

"Diaper voyeur" and "diapers for masturbation" and "maxi pad bulge voyeur"

And then, while I was writing this and happened to click refresh, "maxi pad bulges naked".

That's a party I'll be skipping. I love how "diaper voyeur" and "maxi pad bulge voyeur" sound like things that could go on a resumé.

6. "Goat that rapes girls thinking they are does"

Aren't does female deer? Why would a goat want to rape a deer? Also, how could a goat confuse a girl with a deer? Some of my friends call me Bambi, should I be more cautious around goats? This was followed by "show pictures of raped goats babbies". Why were you looking for pictures of this? It's the internet, I guarantee you there's video available. It's important to have standards, after all.

7. "Molly Williams naked"

Julian has pictures, ask him. Or if you wait a few weeks my current post-graduation plan is stripping. It's not a bright future but I'll settle for glittery.

8. "Womens rights make sandwiches win"

Sandwich-making is our duty, not our right.

9. "Flatter shy anal"

I'm friends with enough bronies to assume this was supposed to be Fluttershy anal, and unfortunately I know creepy bronies to know that out of all the victims of Rule 34, My Little Pony has been hit pretty hard.  Remember that picture of a fuckable My Little Pony plush from Etsy a while ago?  No?  Allow me to refresh your memory and/or scar you for life: http://static.regretsy.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/yonni.jpg

10. And suddenly, "masturbate horses to make them run faster" isn't the weirdest thing on this list.

Or maybe it is. Fuck it. Not the horse, that would be weird, and apparently not as effective. The My Little Pony plush.

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