You gotta give it up to the good people at Cardinal Baseball, incorporated. They’re running this gimmick whereby a special guest gets to sit in a miniature car and let (mascot) Fredbird drive him or her out to the outfield wall after five innings (when the game is official). Once they get to the outfield wall, the special guest gets to pull down a piece of paper with a number on it. The resulting number is the number of games left in Busch Stadium II (III opens up next summer). This is a neat option, but it is not nearly goofy enough. With that in mind, here are some suggestions to improve the goofy number-pulling gimmick.

Get a giant trash can and put a basketball hoop over it, so after the number gets ripped off the wall, the number-puller can ball up the paper and shoot it into the trash can. Miss and get booed; make it and win a ticket to Busch Stadium III for next year.

Put a turbo engine in the little car. This way, Fredbird can go ninety miles an hour to the wall. How awesome would that be?

Someone has to use the numbered paper as a big rolling paper. I don’t know who would do this, but they would get my vote for Brass Balls of the Month.

Fireworks and explosions make everything better. Could we have a representative of the armed forces go out and burn one of the numbers off with a flame thrower? Please? How about some smoke bombs and bottle rockets? Come on, why not show a little pizzazz here? It is the last year for Busch II, after all.

If Ozzie Smith gets to pull a number, I wanna see a back flip. No excuses, Wizard. Get flipping.

If Stan the Man pulls a number, I wanna hear some Harmonica, dangit.

Just once, I’d like to see Fredbird crash the little car. Tell me you wouldn’t laugh. Go ahead, tell me. I don’t believe you.

My candidate suggestions for the number pulling: Chuck Berry; The President of Imo’s Pizza; Willie McGee; Rex Hudler; The Guy who owns Dirt Cheap; The Dirt Cheap Mascot; The President of St. Louis Bread Co.; My buddy Ty (who used to work at St. Louis Bread Co); a waitress from Eat-Rite (the cuter the better); Tommy Lawless (if you know who he is, you’re a Cardinals fan); a relative of Miles Davis (‘cause he’s dead); the guy who canceled the Hamburger Soup at Blueberry Hill (so we can all publicly stone him); the president of Fitz’s; Jack Buck’s wife (‘cause he’s dead); Joe Buck’s wife (‘cause you know he’s not around that much and she deserves some recognition) and last but certainly not least, me (because I’d bring a megaphone and have some fun with it).

People who should not be allowed to pull a number: Nelly (I know he’s a St. Louis tradition and all but I’m sick of him showing up at every dang St. Louis event even though he lives in Los Angeles. Either he moves back there or he doesn’t get to represent the Lou no more); Bob Costas (I’m sick of him); anyone who ever played for the Cubs (except Lou Brock, Bruce Sutter and Lee Smith); Don Denkinger (unless we get to bring guns to the game); anyone from the Busch family (because Gussie is dead and no one else there deserves it) and last and definitely least, the worst television announcer on earth, Tim McCarver (if you need an elaboration, you’re not a fan of decent announcing).

I don’t know when Cardinal management is gonna learn that I should be Director of All Things Cool, but until then, maybe they’ll at least heed my advice.

Heed it, Dangit!

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