Putting together a mock draft is for the most part a futile effort. One trade and everything is fucked up. Yet, that's not going to stop me from trying.

You'll probably notice that Notre Dame QB Jimmy Clausen is completely missing from this draft. Why is he missing? The technical answer is that no team after the Bills at number 9 needs a QB that bad. The true answer is Jimmy Clausen is a cocky little shit who's never won anything.

After each of the picks is a well-researched piece of info about each player.

1. Rams – Sam Bradford QB, Oklahoma

Has those alcoholic Native American genes. 

2. Lions – Ndamukong Suh DT, Nebraska

Has a tail.  

3. Bucs – Gerald McCoy DT, Oklahoma

Cannot read. 

4. Redskins – Russell Okung OT, Oklahoma State

Is 1/16 Chinese. 

5. Chiefs – Trent Williams OT, Oklahoma

Possesses 75% body fat. 

6. Seahawks – Bryan Bulaga OT, Iowa

Best white guy available.

7. Browns – Jared Odrick DT, Penn State

Once killed a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

8. Raiders – Bruce Campbell OT, Maryland

Weighs less than current Raiders QB JaMarcus Russell.

9. Bills – Tim Tebow QB, Florida

Will be seen circumsizing Bruce Campbells' illegitimate child.

10. Jags – Eric Berry S, Tennessee

Will not take the nickname "Dingle" well.

11. Broncos – Dan Williams DT, Tennessee

One of 300,000 professional athletes with the last name Williams.

12.Dolphins – Sergio Kindle OLB, Texas

His name's Sergio? Must be a pussy!

13. 49ers – C.J. Spiller RB, Clemson

"C.J." stands for Cunnilingus Jackson.  

14. Seahawks – Taylor Mays S, USC

It's now OK for Pete Carroll to pay him to play football.

15. Giants – Rolando McClain MLB, Alabama

Finally off Alabama's payroll. 

16. Titans – Jason Pierre-Paul DE, USF

Up and coming for your ass.

17. 49ers – Joe Haden CB, Florida 

His mom should've swallowed him.

18. Steelers – Maurkice Pouncey C, Florida

Will probably be arrested for something in the next 5 years.

19. Falcons – Carlos Dunlap DE, Florida

In round 2 they'll draft his DD.

20. Texans – Earl Thomas S, Texans

His son will have a less complicated life than Earl Woods' kid.

21. Bengals – Jermaine Gresham TE, Oklahoma

For the love of god….just keep him out of truck beds.

22. Patriots – Mike Iupati G, Idaho

Crippling addiction to vodka will sidetrack his career.

23.  Packers – Brandon Graham OLB, Michigan

I'm sure he'll enjoy the vibrant Green Bay nightlife. 

24. Eagles – Derrick Morgan DE, Georgia Tech


25. Ravens – Dez Bryant WR, Oklahoma State

"Dez" is short ‘"DezMcTra'keezey."

26. Cardinals – Anthony Davis OT, Rutgers

Wears a C cup.

27. Cowboys – Everson Griffen DE, USC

Doesn't know what a three point stance is.

28. Chargers – Ryan Matthews RB, Fresno State

Closely related to Corey Matthews.

29. Jets – Nate Allen S, USF

Only knows how to do things the Nate way.

30. Vikings – Devin McCourty CB, Rutgers

Has a ladies name.

31. Colts – Kyle Wilson CB, Boise State

Chokes in the clutch…just like Peyton Manning!

32. Saints – Sean Weatherspoon OLB, Missouri

Wrote this entire damn thing.