Putting together a mock draft is for the most part a futile effort. One trade and everything is fucked up. Yet, that's not going to stop me from trying.
You'll probably notice that Notre Dame QB Jimmy Clausen is completely missing from this draft. Why is he missing? The technical answer is that no team after the Bills at number 9 needs a QB that bad. The true answer is Jimmy Clausen is a cocky little shit who's never won anything.
After each of the picks is a well-researched piece of info about each player.
1. Rams – Sam Bradford QB, Oklahoma
Has those alcoholic Native American genes.
2. Lions – Ndamukong Suh DT, Nebraska
Has a tail.
3. Bucs – Gerald McCoy DT, Oklahoma
4. Redskins – Russell Okung OT, Oklahoma State
Is 1/16 Chinese.
5. Chiefs – Trent Williams OT, Oklahoma
Possesses 75% body fat.
6. Seahawks – Bryan Bulaga OT, Iowa
Best white guy available.
7. Browns – Jared Odrick DT, Penn State
Once killed a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
8. Raiders – Bruce Campbell OT, Maryland
Weighs less than current Raiders QB JaMarcus Russell.
9. Bills – Tim Tebow QB, Florida
Will be seen circumsizing Bruce Campbells' illegitimate child.
10. Jags – Eric Berry S, Tennessee
Will not take the nickname "Dingle" well.
11. Broncos – Dan Williams DT, Tennessee
One of 300,000 professional athletes with the last name Williams.
12.Dolphins – Sergio Kindle OLB, Texas
His name's Sergio? Must be a pussy!
13. 49ers – C.J. Spiller RB, Clemson
"C.J." stands for Cunnilingus Jackson.
14. Seahawks – Taylor Mays S, USC
It's now OK for Pete Carroll to pay him to play football.
15. Giants – Rolando McClain MLB, Alabama
Finally off Alabama's payroll.
16. Titans – Jason Pierre-Paul DE, USF
17. 49ers – Joe Haden CB, Florida
His mom should've swallowed him.
18. Steelers – Maurkice Pouncey C, Florida
Will probably be arrested for something in the next 5 years.
19. Falcons – Carlos Dunlap DE, Florida
In round 2 they'll draft his DD.
20. Texans – Earl Thomas S, Texans
His son will have a less complicated life than Earl Woods' kid.
21. Bengals – Jermaine Gresham TE, Oklahoma
For the love of god….just keep him out of truck beds.
22. Patriots – Mike Iupati G, Idaho
Crippling addiction to vodka will sidetrack his career.
23. Packers – Brandon Graham OLB, Michigan
I'm sure he'll enjoy the vibrant Green Bay nightlife.
24. Eagles – Derrick Morgan DE, Georgia Tech
25. Ravens – Dez Bryant WR, Oklahoma State
"Dez" is short ‘"DezMcTra'keezey."
26. Cardinals – Anthony Davis OT, Rutgers
Wears a C cup.
27. Cowboys – Everson Griffen DE, USC
Doesn't know what a three point stance is.
28. Chargers – Ryan Matthews RB, Fresno State
Closely related to Corey Matthews.
29. Jets – Nate Allen S, USF
Only knows how to do things the Nate way.
30. Vikings – Devin McCourty CB, Rutgers
Has a ladies name.
31. Colts – Kyle Wilson CB, Boise State
Chokes in the clutch…just like Peyton Manning!
32. Saints – Sean Weatherspoon OLB, Missouri
Wrote this entire damn thing.