Yes, I know this isn't the piece to refute Nate like I promised. However, I will renovate my initial promise and swear to have it up the day after Christmas. Also, it won't be a three-part series. Why? Because I like to lie.
Yes, I know this isn't funny, and that it's too brief. I brought Mrs. Claus along to distract you from these facts.
I will now duck out (again) for a short while (two days) to spend time with my family, read Steve Martin's autobiography, and wear my badass new hat I got in Orlando.
Merry Christmas, you crazy bastards. May your days be merry, bright, and slightly inebriated due to Uncle Earl's homemade eggnog.