So while taking a dump in the library bathroom at the University of Cincinnati, I took the time to read everything written on the wall. Most of it is just people calling each other fags in a conversation that goes "You're a fag, no, you a fag, fag," and so on for half a stall door. The only message that really peaked my interest was one that said :

"Be here on 10/24/08 at 6 P.M. for the best head of your life."

Now, seeing this in a men's bathroom raised some questions.

Am I supposed to assume a guy will come in and blow me, or is it a risk taking girl like in half of my fantasies?

Will it really be the best head of my life?

Can I assume that the blower is disease free? Should I bring a condom in case?

What if two men show up, will he/she blow us both at the same time, or will we have to form a line?

Do stalls in girls bathrooms have messages that say "Be here at 6 to get that pussy licked clean."

Since I am a journalism student I decided I would investigate this matter. While deciding this, the guy in the stall next to me knocked on the wall and asked for a courtesy flush because I was "Destroying the entire environment and gagging him." But I guess that's what happens when you smoke chronic for 8 straight hours the day before and eat Taco Bell for 6 meals in a row. (By the way, I found out if you know you're going to fail a French test, get real high before hand, and some how you'll get an A because all of a sudden random silent letters will start to make sense.)

So I left that bathroom, camped outside in a near by room and waited for six o'clock to roll around. I was comfortable enough with myself to admit that if a girl walked into the guy's bathroom and she was decent looking, I would be getting head that night. I also knew that if a guy walked in and sat in the stall, I would run in, kick the stall door open and slap him in the face, and make haste out of the bathroom. I'm not homophobic or anything, I just knew I would be upset a girl wasn't going to be in there.

So with my game plan in motion, I waited. The next thing I knew, it was 5:55 P.M. I got anxious and excited. I thought I was going to see some fucked up shit. So I waited. Then it was 6. Still, no one had walked in. At 6:15, I was loosing all hope, until a dopy, skinny nerd walked passed me, and we made eye contact. He then disappeared into the bathroom, and I felt like a kid at Christmas. I thought about telling all the people around me that the kid who just went into the bathroom was planning to blow someone in there. But I didn't. Instead, I ventured forward and entered the bathroom.

I opened the door and looked around. I saw one pair of feet, in the same stall I was in earlier. The one that contained the penis swallowing message. I casually strolled into the stall next to this kid, and I could still smell the faint aroma of the work I had done earlier. This only added to the feeling of intense excitement. So I waited a minute, then spoke up.

"So, you the kid giving intense blow jobs?"

"Wh… what?"

"Are you the one giving the greatest head ever known to man?"

"No! What the fuck is wrong with you?"

He quickly pulled his pants up and flew right out of the stall. His stall door slammed into mine, and I knew he wasn't the culprit. On his way out he told me he was going to find the security guard, and I made my exit through a door that was designated fire exit only. Thank god the library is a piece of shit and fire door alarms didn't go off.

I learned a lesson that day. Apparently because someone writes they will suck you off on a bathroom wall, doesn't mean it's actually going to happen. Also, I'm really good at making an awkward thing like pooping in a stall with a stranger next you even more awkward, and now that I think about it, that kid will probably never shit in a public bathroom ever again. But that's my duty as a journalist. I needed the facts, and by god I got them. But hey, at least I didn't ruin his life like the media did to Richard Jewel.


Song of the Day: I Want Your Girlfriend To Be My Girlfriend Too By Reel Big Fish