I was always under the assumption that you can't be an alcoholic if you're still in college. Even my dad said told me this. He would always say things like "Eh, you're young, it'll be out of your system eventually," and "If you think you are going to be too hammered later to put a condom on, put it on before you leave for the bar." The second piece of advice came from him when he had a bit to much tequila, but I consider it the best piece of advice I've ever received.
  
Even though I have one year left of college, I'm pretty sure I've jumped off the party animal bus and took a taxi to alcoholic town. I blame summer for it, but then again I would have done the same thing if I still had class the next day.
 
But my goal here is to let you young, fragile minds learn from my mistakes. If any of the following situations sound like re-occurring themes in your life, you may have a problem.

Alcohol caused me to stub my toe, text all my friends to tell them I was bleeding profusely but not tell them why, then pass out. I wake up the next day with 30 missed calls and over 100 texts asking me if I wrecked my car, if I needed to go the hospital, or if I had earned my red wings. Six of my friends drove by my house to see if I had made it home okay. Those six are still angry because it was four in the morning. If this sounds like you, wear shoes and surrender your keys at all parties and bars.

Alcohol caused me to break up with the girlfriend (ex girl now) six different times in three days because I wanted to meet other women and was tired of being smothered. Every morning I woke up to a text asking if we were still together or not, which I would reply yes and then break up with her later that night. Eventually she stopped answering my calls. If this sounds like you, you need couples therapy.

Alcohol caused me to consider goat sex. If this sounds like you, call me.

Alcohol caused me to be broke, go to gay bars to get free drinks, then tell guys they could come back to my place because I needed a ride home. When we would arrive at my house I would sprint inside before they could even get out of their cars, then I would lock all windows and doors. If this sounds like you, get a sugar mama or daddy.
    
Alcohol caused me to not update my blog on PIC for way too long. If this sounds like you, you owe Court an apology. (I'm sorry Mr. Sullivan.)

Alcohol caused me to eat an 1/8 of shrooms while black out drunk, and then I finally met the pink elephant in the room. Turns out I was the pink elephant. If this sounds like you, just make a pizza next time.

Alcohol caused me to flash my penis at my friends girlfriend, and when he tried to fight me, I flashed my penis at him also. I was just being fair. If this sounds like you, you're probably a closet bi-sexual.

Alcohol resulted in hangovers that could only be cured by morning beers. If this sounds like you, you're a pussy for not finishing everything off the night before.

Alcohol caused me to have my first lesbian experience. If this sounds like you… nice.

Alcohol has clouded my memory, so I can't really write anymore. If this sounds like you, you're probably everyone who writes for this site.

 

Rum is for Drinking, Not for Burning by Senses Fail. It can be found on the Album Let It Enfold You.

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