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“For our last exhibit in this tour of the Friend Zone, we are proud to present the never-before-seen “Pawn-Manipulator Role-Reversal Extravaganza!” Please note that whenever you say “Pawn-Manipulator Role-Reversal Extravaganza!” you do have to do the jazz hands. Earlier, one of you asked what would have happened if a pawn ever challenged a manipulator. If you’ll look closely, you’ll notice that our ‘pawn’ Nikki is no longer a pawn but an amateur manipulator. The manipulator Todd is no longer treating the Nikki like a pawn anymore because now the manipulator secretly wants to have his horrible, dirty way with her. The amateur manipulator is faced with the option to turn the Todd down or take him up on his offer. If she turns him down, he will just want it that much more. If she takes him up on his offer, she might relapse back into pawn mode. What’s your question, kid?”
“What if the big ego is positively reinforced?”
“Then the next time you get a blow job from a slut-tastic freshman, remember to ask her to massage your balls gently and bob her head slower. Young ones tend to think it’s a race. Does anyone have a question that actually pertains to the current exhibit?”
“What causes the pawn to stand up to the manipulator? Did the manipulator not do his job right?”
“Several things can cause a pawn to challenge a manipulator. A pawn can become so embittered that they want the manipulator to have a taste of the bitter saltiness the pawn has swallowed countless times over the days, weeks, months, or sometimes even years. The constant encouragement from a manipulator may back fire and give the pawn a backbone. Pawns might even start thinking that their opinion matters. There is a slim chance that the pawn is just acting in way that they think is attractive to their captors. These pawns are trying to play mind games with pros and normally get their ass kicked and sent back to the Friend Zone for a new game with different rules and a higher difficulty setting. You in black tie formal wear.”
“Is there anyway to escape the Friend Zone?”
“Yes, there are in fact many ways to escape the Friend Zone. Almost all of them involve acting like such a jerk or moron that whoever is the manipulator just doesn’t want to deal with your ass anymore. A very easy way to do this is to start making out with their younger, hotter siblings. Unless the siblings are minors, in which case you should skip to the friends, moving from good to best until you get your ass kicked out for good. I guarantee you’ll have a hard time staying in the Friend Zone with anyone. With any luck, one of their friends is bound to be a good kisser. You in short skirt and hooker boots again.”
“Why would you want to be friends with the opposite sex?”
“Back in the day, when there were bride prices and dowries, there was a group of people resisting their parents’ wishes who wanted to marry who they loved instead of whoever their parents picked. One day the rebels revolted against the authorities for, what old folks said, “No good reason.” During the revolt, some old hag cursed the stupid mud ruckers with bad luck in romance. The rebels eventually won and everyone started to try to bang who they wanted. The rebels realized that they were cursed when they couldn’t get laid. The rebels decided that they would gladly stay cursed and pass down all the information and enlightenment to their love-lorn brethren by being their friend and occasional wingman. One of these rebels is the tour guide that stands before you.”
“Really?”
“No, I’m not that old. I don’t even remember the so-called “eighties.” Our scientists are actually studying the laws of attraction. They are supposed to tell me what I- I mean people- are obviously doing wrong. And if that is the last of our questions (and by that I mean I put your Goddamn hand down), that concludes our tour. I hope you were enlightened and entertained on your tour through the Friend Zone. The gift shop is open and will gladly cater to your novelty needs. They are currently having a sale on all the self-help books with titles ranging from “Short Skirts and Fruity Drinks: Getting the Upper Hand on Those Cosmo Reading Bitches” and “Releasing Your Inner Manipulator: How to Control the Dark Side.” Feel free to visit us again at anytime. Buh-Bye! Don’t forget your complementary humble pie!”
Oh thank God I’m finished! Yes Yes Yes! Excuse me as a I do a celebratory jig.
Labels: rebels turned wingmen, Role-Reversal, The Friend Zone