My Dearest National (and Local) Church,

I know have not been the best person about actually going to Church or believing half of the things You say, but when did We become a business specializing in Sex Ed? I thought it was all about loving some Jesus (in a purely platonic way regardless of what is said during those more “intimate” moments) and finding new ways to attract the hip, young crowd without causing Our elders to freak out.

(Personally, I love singing “Jesus is a rock and he rolls my blues away, bop shoe bop, shoe bop, woo,” while turning my grandparents hearing aids off just as much as any other college kid looking score free mothball cookies and flat punch. I know that my grandparents, the frisky little ex-Catholics that they are, would have to put me out of my misery if they knew that the Church was trying to taint my soul with the evil sounds of Rock ‘n Roll.)

But that has nothing to do with the point, the point is that why does the Church feel the need to teach my younger siblings about sex when they already know the ins and outs of sex via the Soulless Public School System? My wonderful, angelic siblings already know of the evils of pre-marital sex and the many ways God will punish them for not resisting the temptation of the flesh. They do not need to be tempted with condoms and dental dam demonstrations; they need to have a Healthy Dose of Scripture and Morales poured into their pure, innocent minds. After all, how can they make good, healthy decisions about sex if they don’t know that God and His Pals, Jesus and Holy Spirit, like to watch?

Don’t even get me started on the commercials that were made to Raise Awareness. Awareness of what? That NBC and CBS think We are inappropriate for Television? We do not sell books or videos. Having controversy surround Us like debt surrounds a recent graduate does not improve donations! If You want people to give more money, then You have to offer them premiums. I think We should start giving people a free toaster or a gallon of gas for every $200 in donations they give to the Church.




“Where has Roxy been?”
the answer… sometime later today… maybe.