Football season is upon us, and I think it’s time I told y’all what, in my humble opinion, would make a perfect sports bar. So, because introductions, segues, transitions and anything else related to the actual technical side of writing are not my cup of beer, let’s just move on to the meat of this issue and gnaw it to the bone. Brush your teeth and wash your hands. We’re going to the sports bar.

The Televisions
The ideal sports bar would have televisions everywhere. I mean, everywhere. If I go to the bathroom, I don’t want to miss a play. If I turn around to order a beer, I better be able to look right over my waitress and see a game. All of these TVs must be on professional or college sports, but only the big four: football, basketball, baseball and hockey. You must have the MLB and NFL packages as well. Also, no WNBA game can be broadcast at any time or I will leave. Seriously, don’t touch that remote.

The Staff
Hot, hardworking women only. All others need not apply.

The Menu
The ideal sports bar would have a very simple menu consisting only of burgers, fries, wings, sandwiches, soups, chili and (possibly) some specialty items, but only if they’re some of the best specialty items in area. If you happen to have the world’s best tuna casserole, then feel free to throw it on the menu, but if you have a whole bunch of menu items that keep the cook from worrying about my wings and keep the waitresses from delivering my beer, you are not my ideal sports bar.

Also, there must be beer pitcher and wing specials during the broadcast of each home team’s game. If there’s a free buffet, all the better. But I’m not holding my breath, here.

The Clientele
Ideally, you would like a clientele that consists solely of people who are rooting for your team. In a transient culture, such as Tampa, such a clientele is not possible. So I will settle for seventy-five percent of the bar consisting of home team fans. This way, when some overzealous fans (I’m looking at you, Franky and Randy) start screaming about something that happened in their game, the rest of the bar gets to look over, see what all the fuss is about, and then turn back to the game that matters. By having the majority of the clientele rooting for your team, you increase the chances of high-fiving random strangers, one-upping one another as you insult the referees, coaches and players, and drowning out the noise created by the damn Bears and Steelers fans (again, I’m looking at you, Franky and Randy). This creates camaraderie, which is one of the reasons we watch these games in bars anyway.

The Jukebox
During football games, the jukebox must be shut off. Football can be a fast game at times, and there’s stuff we might miss. We actually need to hear football announcers. During baseball games, the jukebox must be on. Baseball is slow at times and the announcers suck.

The Marketers
If anyone tries to sell some new alcohol, tobacco or food product to me while I’m watching a game, I reserve the right to whip out a bitch slap. In an ideal sports bar, there would be a sign that reads, “If you’re trying to sell something, wait until half-time or you will get bitch slapped. Thanks. Management.”

The ideal sports bar has a simple menu, a plethora of viewing options, a staff of female hotties, a home-team oriented clientele, a properly managed sound system and no marketers during games. It really is a simple formula, if you know what you’re doing.

And if you’re opening a sports bar near me, I sure as hell hope you know what you’re doing.