Listen, Donna, I know we broke up, but I just read some R.L. Stine, and there is no way I can spend the night alone.  I'm not too proud to admit that the fifth installment of the "Goosebumps" series really scared me.  That part where the guy turns into a plant, and chases after people at two miles-per-hour, really gave me chills.  And what about the part where that ghost flies out of that guy's ass?  Are you telling me that part didn't totally creep you out? 

I know you said that we can't see each other anymore, but the prospect of driving five minutes to my house, turning on all the lights, and taking a shot of bourbon to steady my nerves makes me feel very unsettled.  Remember the part where the goblin turns out to be some kid from the neighborhood?  Even that happy ending didn't calm my fears. 

What about the part where the guy sees a skeleton on the dance floor?  There was something about the way it was dancing that really gave me the creeps.  Everybody knows that there is no such thing as a skeleton, but it's amazing how frightened I can be when it gets dark. 

We wouldn't have to share a bed, or anything.  Let's just kindle a fire, give each other a massage, and joke about how stupid the story was until my heart-rate returns to normal.  Of course, I can't promise that I won't have nightmares, and that I won't crawl into your bed because I am so afraid.  But I'll try my hardest to forget the part where the witch makes those kids eat candy until they feel sick.  I'm embarrassed to say it, but I almost pissed myself then. 

Are you seriously telling me you weren't frightened of that close-up of that lizard?  I don't know what species it is, but if that kind of lizard lives around here, I probably won't be getting any sleep at all.  And what about that dragon that makes friends with all the kids?  Before he was their friend, I was sure he was going to eat them.  It just looked so realistic when it helped them grill their hotdogs by breathing flames, that I forgot for a second that dragons are extinct.  Probably extinct… 

Donna, I have not been this afraid since I saw "Eyes Wide Shut".  There is no way I can walk to my car in the driveway, let alone drive all the way home in the dark.  I have no choice but to stay at your house for the night.  In the morning, things won't seem so scary, and I can drive home like a normal adult. 

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