See? I’m continuing! Confused? Read this first
“As we continue down the roads of the Friend Zone, I would like take a moment to explain that the Friend Zone is not always a place where the condemned go. Sometimes, a woman or man scorned will use the Friend Zone as an intentional punishment. The exhibit I’m about to show you is what happens when two Manipulators don’t get along. This exhibit may feature some strong language so those with problems with strong language should not bitch about it because I warned you in the first place. If you do start bitching, the staff has been instructed to toss you out of the van. Do you understand? Good, I like seeing heads nod in agreement.”
“This exhibit is known as the “Just Desserts” arena. All of the people down here are manipulators who dared to challenge another manipulator by saying “let’s just be friends.” The fights you are about to witness are about who is the dominate one in the relationship. Manipulators absolutely hate having the tables turned on them. What is your question ma'am, oh, I’m sorry, sir.”
“Has any pawn ever challenged a manipulator?”
“That my friend is another exhibit entirely. The reaction of a pawn standing up to a manipulator often switches how the manipulator acts. When a Manipulator challenges another Manipulator, the need to own overrules any other feeling the manipulator might have. Let’s watch.”
“Oh my goodness! Joe, honey, how are you? Did you hit on that cute little trinket at the bar? I think she’s totally into you.”
“Jamie, I know what you’re up to and it won’t work on me.”
“Really? Because I’m trying to make you regret sending me into the Friend Zone, but of course, if I get to spend time with you I guess it won’t be too bad buddy! It’s not like as if I could be adult enough to take a simple “no” anyways. After all, I can’t even take a hint.”
“Could you leave me alone, Jamie? I have to go to work.”
“Only because I’ll be writing you a letter about how I’m fucking your best friend. That’s okay, right? I mean, it’s not like anything ever happened between us…”
“I hate you.”
“That’s too bad, because I really value your friendship, Joe.”
“As you can see, the entire point of this argument is based on the idea that Jamie believes she deserves to be treated better than another one of Joe’s pawns. Jamie is also one of the firm believers of the Friend Zone being a female-run facility and is known to be a sexist cunt. I believe the reason we keep Jamie around is for the ratings in our reality-based hit television series. Any questions about what you just witnessed?”
“Why would anyone want to try to date these manipulators?”
“People want to date the manipulators because the manipulators are hot and challenging. Manipulators also have “great personalities” if by “great personalities” you mean huge egos. Nice guys and gals get left by the roadside because no one except the Castrati is ever really interested in them.”
“Who are the Castrati and how can you tell that you are one of the Castrati?”
“Castrati are people who have no balls, figuratively speaking and/or literally speaking. For example, Chamley belongs to the Castrati. The Castrati will never make a move on the object of their affections. They are only people who suspected of liking the nice people because they never admit to their feelings anyway. If you are one of the Castrati, you probably masturbate to the object of your affection’s likeness rather than bang said object. Our scientist would like all of the Castrati and other with low self-esteem in the group to know that they are selling sex pheromones and enlargement pills in the gift shop where the tour will end.”
I’ll get more done as the week wears on, but do any of you have any specific questions or things you want me to address in the Friend Zone before I wrap it up?
Labels: obligatory reference, The Friend Zone, you ever feel like you're gonna let somebody down