Gorilla in sexy makeup

Human beings have been having sex for years. Since we've been around, in fact, since it's apparently necessary to keep the species going. Yes, ever since Adam got his first erection after Eve's fig leaf slipped in the Garden of Eden, we have been fornicating. So have all animals actually. After all, if you don't have sex then your species will go the way of the dodo and fade into extinction. But are we doing it right?

After all these years you would have thought our sexual habits might have evolved. But in the space of however many millennium, all we seem to have moved from is doggy style to group sex, and ended up at two girls one cup. Could it be in fact that we humans, the most sophisticated animals on the planet (apparently; I've yet to see any conclusive proof), are actually fucking the wrong way?

Along with pigs, dolphins, and certain types of chimp, human beings are the only animals who have sex for pleasure. Of course pigs also roll around in their own shit, and chimps openly sit and masturbate while flinging their faeces at passersby, so being classed in the same group as them is not altogether a positive. While other animals may take pleasure in copulation, they still only do it to mate and reproduce; the enjoyment part is just a happy by product, like when you have sex in the shower so you actually come out cleaner and less sweaty. And humans are the only animals who will actively stop themselves from impregnation by using contraceptives and "other" methods (for the record I've never seen a dolphin pulling it out at the last second and spraying it over her fins). Most people would say this is because we are more advanced and can take sex for the lovemaking experience it's intended to be. Try as they might, not having opposable thumbs is going to make it pretty hard for a hippo to put on a condom. And try telling a lioness to take the morning after pill and see where that gets you.

It isn't just sex for enjoyment where we may be backward from other species. In the past I have dated two girls who owned dogs. Every now and then we would be on her bed making, as I like to call it, whoopy time, and the dog would open the door with its nose, come inside the room, and just sit there watching us. And that's just dogs; I've had many girlfriends with cats and as we all know they don't just stand there and watch but walk over your back during the business and very occasionally get involved (twice in my life I've been engaged in cunnilingus only to have my lady ask why I was licking her toes, glance down and see Mittens having a good old threesome). I always assumed that the dog was just inquisitive of "the beast with two backs" that was being made on his mistress's mattress, but now I wonder if he wasn't sitting there just wondering what the fuck we were doing having sex face to face (yep, I'm a romantic—kissing and everything). It's called doggy style for fuck's sake, he probably thought to himself. Why has he mounted her for scissoring? Doesn't he know he has a penis? I imagine the dog probably thought we had invented a strange new way to clean each others' chests and genitals by sliding up and down on each other while moaning (or yawning, depending on the girl).

And the weirdest thing of all about us is how we pick our sexual partners. Almost every animal in the world chooses their mates based on athletic prowess, their ability to reproduce good strong offspring, or their dominance as an alpha male. It's why dogs go for other dogs who have shiny coats (as in fur not bomber jackets) and jungle animals go for hunter/gatherers. Of course humans are also attracted to people with good looks, nice bodies, and the ability to protect us and produce healthy children (albeit sometimes subconsciously). However we also go for things like a good sense of humor, having your own car, liking the same music, or just looking cool and stylish. Call me crazy but I've never seen a kangaroo get laid by siding up to a Jill (female kangaroo) and telling her his best joke about a joey who got stuck in his pouch. I've never seen a dog hump another because his owner had dressed him up in a tartan jacket. And I've never seen a raven mate with another because he had a really fucking nice nest (or crib). Actually that last bit probably happens. Fucking gold diggers.

Of course if humans were to adopt the same process as animals when picking a mate I would never get laid, scientists would die out, and we would never have ginger people, so maybe best to leave that one.

There is some good news though. The fact that we have developed from animals means we have escaped from some of the nasty elements of their sex lives. I'll leave you with a few choice facts to mull over. Have a look at these and you might think twice before calling your partner an animal in bed again. It's not all bad being a Homo Sapien I guess.

(Googling the research for this article damn near got me put on a register so appreciate it.)

  • Bats and sheep both give oral sex (not to each other; the mechanics of it are virtually impossible).
  • Certain species of mole and stoat will impregnate newborns of their own species. So next time a nonce gets arrested or another Fritzl turns up in Austria call him a dirty stoat or a fucking mole.
  • Mallards and cane toads are the only mammals alive that indulge in necrophilia.
  • Having sex for pleasure isn't all good, as it can lead to temptation. This is shown in the butter-nosed dolphin who is one of the only mammals to commit gang rape.
  • Female spiders eat their partners during sex, unless he can provide something to eat during intercourse (lazy fat bitch).
  • Pandas and monkeys both enjoy pornography. Monkeys will actually give up food and drink to a female monkey who will expose her genital region for them to masturbate to (not unlike certain girls I know who flash their tits for a Smirnoff Ice).
  • Female penguins often prostitute themselves for pebbles (used in nest building. She's just a single mom on the game trying to take care of her kids).

So I guess it is good to be a human after all. We deposit our jizz in different places during sex sometimes. We may watch porn where girls defecate into each other's mouths. We may even listen to the Jedward album when getting down to business. However, at least we don't gang rape dead bodies before eating them. (Except my friends Uncle Gerald. And he's Scottish.)

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