A hospital is a strange place to hang out. When I was sitting in the ER waiting room, watching the basketball game provided on a little color television, I struck up a conversation with the guy next to me. So there I was, towel wrapped around my hand, bleeding in a plastic bucket, arguing the significance of Rasheed Wallace’s impact on the Pistons with a guy holding a compress on his head. I mean, if there had been beer, that room would have been a bar—a bar for the recently injured.

Apparently, the new slang for trying to pick up a chick is “spitting game.” As in, “Dude, I was spitting some serious game. Chick knows I’m a playa.” Or better yet, “Man, I was spitting such sweet game, she swallowed it.” (Come on, you saw it coming.)

Having health insurance is awesome. When I left the hospital, I walked by a whole bunch of people answering questions asked by a girl with a clipboard. I just waved at her as I walked out. I overheard one gentleman ask why I didn’t have to stand in line and the lady with the clipboard said, “He has health insurance.” Translation: we know he’ll pay, you useless low-life. Now give me your mother’s maiden name and blood-type.

It seems the new slang for money is Pillsbury. Because Pillsbury makes dough. And money is dough. Get it, yo?

No one is ever happy to be in a hospital. There’s always all these crying children and depressed adults. So when I spent three hours catching up with old friends on the phone in the triage waiting room, I received quite a few glares from my fellow surgery seekers. One lady even said to me, “How can you act so nonchalant? You’re in a hospital.” I just shrugged and said nothing, but here’s a list of things I could have said:

  • I’m sorry, Lady. I’ll start crying right now.
  • Hey, it’s a hospital not a funeral home.
  • Who died and made you queen of the waiting room?
  • I wouldn’t be so nonchalant if not for all the opium.
  • F— off.

My favorite slang word is “cool.? Cool has stood the test of time. It’s been more than seventy years, and we can still say cool. That’s pretty cool.

I love watching people smoke cigarettes outside a hospital. Especially if they’re nurses or doctors. Wouldn’t you love to watch a guy stamp out a cigarette and then hear him say, ‘Man, I am not looking forward to trying to treat that patient’s lung cancer?’ Come on, you know you’d love it. Don’t lie. That kind of behavior is bad for both of us. Stop lying. It would be hilarious. Okay, how about a drug counselor toking up before a group therapy session? Come on. That’s funny. Hey, where are you going?

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