I'm starting to think that until Indy 4 comes out, we might not have any great movies out in our collective theaters. It seems like every time I glance at this country's cinematic fare, it becomes more and more saturated with absolute, undeniable shit.
And just like last time, I'm gonna review the top ten box office grossers so you poor bastards don't have to spend your time, money, brain function, and youth shilling out our badly wounded dollar for motion-picture sadism.
1. 21 – The story of a handful of MIT students who decide to break the house's blackjack advantage by learning to count cards. Things go awry, however, when they learn 1) they are being tracked by Morpheus and 2) their blackjack coach FedEx-es human heads to Morgan Freeman.
2. Horton Hears A Who – Slowly going insane, anthropomorphic elephant Horton slaughters countless beloved Dr. Seuss characters at the behest of a talking speck of dust.
3. Superhero Movie – The hilarious new comedy from the hacks who brought you Scary Movie, Epic Movie, Date Movie, Not Another Teen Movie, Television Movie, Enema Movie, 1960's Era Football High School Team Where Things Are Sort Of Racially Charged At The Onset But End Up Working Out OK Because They Overcome Their Differences To Win State Champion Movie, and Batman.
4. Tyler Perry's Meet The Browns – I don't know what this is about. Ask X.
5. Drillbit Taylor – Remember when Owen Wilson tried to kill himself? Let's try that again.
6. Shutter – Like Ringu and The Grudge before it, Shutter re-affirms our Western fear that every Japanese girl will soon rise from the grave to kill us all.
7. 10,000 BC – The sad thing is, I'll bet about 50% of the people who see this movie probably think that this happened. These same people regularly peruse the internets looking for tickets to Jurassic Park.
8. Stop-Loss – You're right. This is a stupid policy. Let's have a draft instead!
9. College Road Trip – Hot on the heels of… Big Momma's House 3… or something… Martin Lawrence proves that his career hit its high point with Bad Boys.
10. The Bank Job – I can think of something more fun to do which can also be abbreviated B.J.