“You know what’s so great about ‘The Girl Next Door’?”
“That Elisha Cuthbert is in it?”
“No. The fact that everything in this movie could actually happen in real life.”

Sometimes my roommate’s logic boggles my mind to the point that my brain shuts down and refuses to function again until it is soothed with a beer or a calming and rational stimuli, such as spaghetti, is made available to it.

My thinking process sputtered, almost died and then revved to the redline as I attempted to determine exactly which part he was referring to:

  • All characters appear to breathe oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide.

I concede that this is totally in keeping with the real world.

  • A guy lives next door to a porn star.

Porn stars have to live somewhere. Odds are that eventually, someone has to live next to them. I’ll concede that as well.

  • The porn star has a heart of gold and isn’t a total skank.

This is pushing it, but in the spirit of open-mindedness, I’ll let this one go.

  • The porn star is interested in the guy next door because he likes her for more than her body.

There are two major problems with this one. First off, it’s precisely this daydream that keeps all men from slitting their wrists and ending their pathetic lives, but like a bathtub made out of sieves, it doesn’t hold water.

Second of all, no guy likes a girl for her mind. This isn’t being misogynistic, simply factual as women aren’t equipped with minds of their own.

Had my roommate made his comment about True Lies or Armageddon, I would have realized he was totally insane and go on ignoring him. Sure, I’d be living with a crazy person, but probably harmlessly crazy. Since it was Girl Next Door – a movie made to supplement the fantasies of the nerdy, unpopular, hormone-driven 16 y.o. – now I have to worry about him being a special brand of crazy.

  • The kind of crazy that sees the State of the Nation Address and believes it.
  • The kind of crazy that sends in their rebate coupon and expects a response 8-10 weeks later.

These people are unstable and need to be watched.
I guess I’m glad he said this statement of statements last night. A man should know if the person with whom they live has the potential to be a crazed psychopath. I now have a good reason to keep that bat by my bed.