I was watching tv the other day (not Monday, no, not Tuesday, not Wednesday or Thursday or Friday or Saturday or even Sunday, but the other day) when I saw a commercial for Verizon. I had seen this commercial before. In it, a stereotypical jock lists some of his Fave 5 – his coach, his trainer, his coach's wife, and his math tutor – who he doesn't recognize, because, haha, he's a dumb jock. You've probably seen this commercial. Maybe you haven't, I don't know, I don't really give a fuck.

Anyways, I've seen this commercial before, but for some reason this time I payed particularly close attention. In it, Verizon introduces its version of the Fave 5…the Friends & Family plan.


One particular item caught my attention – the reserved symbol (®) after Friends & Family.

Yes, that's right: Verizon now owns your friends and your family.

Verizon Wireless has copyrighted and trademarked your friends, your family, and probably even your dog.

Wanna call your Grandma Eleanor? I'm sorry, Verizon Wireless owns your Grandma Eleanor, you are going to have to go through our legal department. Wanna see what your buddy Steve is up to? No can do. Steve is property of Verizon Wireless.

You see, in a country where every baseball and football stadium has a company in its name, and where every major industry is half-owned by the government, it was only a matter of time before companies started trademarking things like your friends, your family, love, and sunshine.

After seeing this commercial, I browsed Verizon's website and noticed they now offer a "Freedom Bundle" for just $79.99 per month. Yes, as if the government didn't own and control your freedom enough (thereby making it not freedom at all), Verizon is now offering you Freedom™ for 12 hard payments of just $79.99! Pretty soon they'll be offering you a "Breath Package" and every time you take a breath you'll have to pay Verizon a fee.

Soon childbirth™ will be brought to you by your friends at Frito-Lay. Love™ will be property of Marlboro, and you cannot love anyone without getting sued. Time Warner will own skin™, so everyone who is born will have to pay a fee to them throughout their whole life, as long as they want to continue having skin.

The government will own fresh air because they will have to bail out GM, the previous owner of fresh air and stars.

The moral of this story is, if you still want to have friends and you still want to have a family, go to your local Verizon store and sign up. You may lose your freedom and your dignity, but hey, at least you'll get Freedom™ and Dignity®.