Diamond Foods, the makers of Emerald Nuts, had been holding a recently completed online contest to see who could come up with the best sentence for which EMERALD NUTS is an acronym. Being a big fan of the commercials, and considering myself to be reasonably clever, I figured I’d submit a few and see what happened. While I didn’t get any recognition for my submissions, it was an interesting challenge to concoct a funny, coherent sentence that fit the parameters.

Here are a few that I decided to submit:

• Elegant Matriarchs Eschew Rudeness And Later Dine Neatly Using Tacky Spoons.

• Engorged Malcontents, Eating Ravenously And Launching Debris, Negligently Unclasp Their Suspenders.

• Equitable Merchants Envisioning Raisin Advertisements Likely Denounce Not Using Two Scoops.

• Elderly Macrame Experts' Rheumatoid Arthritis Lends Detrimental Nastiness Unto Their Specialty.

For the sake of full disclosure and maximum entertainment, here are the sentences I didn't bother submitting (for obvious reasons):

• Evil Mothers Evoke Regression And Lead Depressed Neurotics Unavoidably To Suicide.

• Erect Men Ejaculate Ropy And Life-giving DNA Nuggets Up Tight Snatches.

• Excitable Males, Encrusting Roommates’ Assorted Linens, Deny Neglectfully Uncorking Their Sperm.

Erotic Magazines Entice Randy Adulterators, Leaving Daily Newspapers Unread Till Sunday.

• Ewan Macgregor Eroticizes Romantic And Lonely Divorcees, Nourishing Under-used Two-fingered Stimulation.

• Excessive Masturbators, Eroding Retinas, Always Leave Dried Nasties Under The Sink.

And my personal favorite…

• Expecting Mothers Eagerly Rake At Little Demons Nestled Up Their Snatches.

Any submissions, no matter how perverted, are encouraged in the comment box.