Now, I love the feel of a cool breeze against my ass about as much as the next person, but something about being followed by hurricane-force winds isn’t so comforting. Maybe it’s the chaffing. Maybe it’s the “always refreshing” jab that “if [insert evacuee] hadn’t come to [insert Gulf coastal city] then [insert hurricane] wouldn’t have hit here.” It could be the general consensus that natural disasters tend to “suck a fat one.” For whatever reasons, this hurricane season has been somewhat of a downer on the people of the Gulf Coast. As their unelected and non-appointed delegate in the blogging world, I offer my Top 3 ways to “make the most” of losing everything.

#3 Insurance Fraud + Fleeing the Country = Awesome Future Movie Deal

Imagine the thrill of cheating the same insurance company that’s already been waiting for the day it could financially sodomize you. The ultimate revenge is a preemptive strike. Sure a false payout and rigged assessment would land you years in Club Fed, but that’s okay – ‘cause you’re fleeing the country. Besides, you’re the affluent persons affected by the storm anyway, right? I mean, those schmucks who rented homes were too poor and too stupid to be able to take advantage. Why shouldn’t you? Seriously. Use this time to head over to Mexico or Jamaica…well, not Jamaica (not quite ripe yet.) You get the point though. Once you’ve left the country, call any Los Angeles restaurant and ask for a busboy looking to write a screenplay. Faster than you can find a Transy on Sunset Blvd., you’ll have yourself a screenplay ready for pitching.

#2 Volunteer for a local “Hunt The Homeless” Program

Ever wondered what it’d be like to be a gazelle? No, not the grace and agility part. I’m talking about the rush of knowing that you’re most likely going to die in a most unpleasant manner and that God hates you? Well, you’re in luck. When it comes to HTH programs, there are always shortages in targets. Volunteers are always in demand, and you can do your part to help keep ammo surpluses under control. Thousands of bullets go unfired each day. With the help of the unwanted, extraneous heathens of society such as yourself, we can help keep the ammo supply under control. Forget donating to science – with enough practice, I’m sure you can still be an organ donor.

#1 Disappear

Sure, there are children and elderly among the countless persons missing – but not all of them can really be dead or abducted. I’m sure many of them are just using this opportunity to disappear and start their lives anew elsewhere. Why shouldn’t you? You’d get the benefits of a nearly untraceable means of disappearance, and you can milk pity from the unsuspecting persons of towns too insipid to have realized what really happened. If you’ve been waiting for a good time to buy a house, this isn’t it (Fuck you, Alan Greenspan!); but if you’ve been looking for a great opportunity to fake your death, the FBI witness protection program is no longer your only option. Act now – before CNN notices that you’re still there.

***The views expressed above are not necessarily the views of the usually sober, amicable, and upstanding character of Mike Tuckerson, nor are they the opinions of or anyone outside of the Republican Party.***