Nathan called me out, I've been lazy lately, and ironically enough on a film set. But he forgot the part about me idly wasting hours with a beer in hand.

Alas, it was not in vain, for it was on a film set that history was made.

Cute Ugly Cute is a game that I fear will start sweeping the nation, become spread too thin, lose its appeal and be bastardized just like those Chuck Norris facts. Nevertheless, I cannot keep something so genius to myself.

The Story- While filming for student feature, I along with other cast and crew members found myself with long periods of downtime. It was on a particularly uneventful day that another film friend/actor prompted me to “tell him something cute and uplifting” to make him feel better about the day's lack of productivity.

My Response: “A kitten taking a piss made of rainbows.”

Neither of us were aware of the momentous event that had just occurred, nor that it would soon consume our lives.

It started out as a whimsical game that dutifully filled in the “dead air” of our minds, something to merely fill the time between sets and takes. It grew into an obsession to find the PERFECT cute ugly cute. We rattled off hundreds while other cast members looked on with bewilderment.

Their looks of scorn softened however, as they started to understand the unspoken rules. They tried out their own cute ugly cutes, some struggling with it, others picking it up right off the bat. But all can appreciate the genius and art of this beautiful game.

What is a cute ugly cute? Here are examples:

– Two tiger cubs fight to the death, but they both have the sniffles
– A whale is stabbed in the face when he tries to give his narwhal girlfriend a kiss
– A toddler is smacked in the face by a perfectly spiraled touchdown pass.
– An Indian princess is shot through the heart by an arrow that has a love letter attached to it.
– A cross-eyed dragon incinerates a village while trying to light his cigarette.
– A fairy is rudely cat-called by a pack of construction workers who are kittens.
– Butterflies humping.

You take something pretty, cute, or adorable. Do something horrible, sick, or evil to it. Then come up with a situation, reason, or rationale for that “violence” that ultimately wins the “audience” back and makes it cute again.

The Rules… Nay, GUIDELINES-

These are mostly to save you time. While forming this game, here are a couple speed bumps we learned to avoid.

1. No Proper Nouns. They're kind of a crutch, and what's worse is most of the time they actually aren't as funny. The beauty is all about creating the image in your mind… if you use a stock character, you're cheating the beauty out of it.

2. Be Descriptive. You've got to get people seeing the same image you see. This means avoiding words like “CUTE” or “LITTLE.” It's lazy, and not very descriptive.
ex. A CUTE LITTLE MUSCLE MAN is hit by a CUTE LITTLE CAR!

Find adjectives or accessories that fill in the blanks for you.
ex. ” A T-rex with a bow tie struggles in vain to pick a flower for his girlfriend”

3. Tie it back. If you follow a literal cute ugly cute formula, you get something like A MOUSE EATS A LADYBUG. See, how it's just not vivid enough? We found that most of the time you not only have to re-cute-ify the violence, but also have some sort of explanation or motive for such atrocious things happening to pretty little animals and such.

The hilarity is in the personification.

Variations-

The rules aren't hard and fast, the game evolves pretty quickly. Sometimes you do a CUTE CUTE UGLY. or sometimes an UGLY UGLY CUTE. Let your funny be your guide.

Now go out there and try some out with your friends. It can be tough at first, but the best way to learn is from example.


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