• Do you have a quarter? My dad told me to call him when I met the girl of my dreams.
And that’s her, right over there.

• Did it hurt?
When you lost your virginity?


• There’s a party in my pants.
I’ll be serving crab cakes if you’re interested.

• Is that a mirror in your pocket?
Because I have an eighth of blow and I was hoping to do some lines in the bathroom.

• If I told you you had a great body…
I’d be lying.

• How do you like your eggs?
You look like you enjoy eating is all I’m trying to say.

• I lost my number.
So you can stop calling me now, you crazy bitch.


• If I could re-arrange the alphabet…
Poelpe woludn’t clal me stpuid for bneig dsyelixc.

• Is your daddy an alien?
‘Cause your head is fuckin’ enormous.

• That’s a lovely dress you’re wearing.
It would look even better on almost anyone else.

• Is that a keg in your pants?
Or are you just fat?

• Do you have any Italian in you?
Skank.

• Do you believe in love at first sight?
Or have you been used and thrown to the curb so many times that you’ve lost all faith in humanity and you now spend your nights drowning your sorrows in a glass of bottom-shelf scotch, only to stumble home and into your boring apartment and pass out, so you can wake up early and drive to your boring job in your boring car, so you can sustain your alcohol dependency and start the cycle all over again, all the while silently hoping that you’ll choke on your own vomit while you sleep?


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