Recently, a gentleman named Wesley Autrey jumped on to some subway tracks to save another man from a moving train. I would have done that, too. Seriously, I'm a humanitarian. I can honestly say that in that same situation, I would have done the same thing. Assuming of course, that Autry didn't beat me to it.

You're not buying this, are you?

Anyway, what I definitely would not have done is gone to work right afterwards, which is exactly what Autry did. Reports say that he declined medical attention and went to work. That's fucking ridiculous.

The day I save a life and get on David Letterman as a result is definitely the day I call off from work. I mean, what the fuck? Who would do that?

And then I remembered my friend, Chip.

Back when we were in high school and we were all irresponsible idiots as per the rules laid down by our ages, my friend Chip was in a car accident as his friend Colin or Tyler (I'm not sure anymore) drove him to work. The car Chip sat in got nailed by a senile, old man. Cops came. Ambulances came. I got a phone call from Ty who said that he and Colin were gonna be late because an old man hit reverse in a car wash while having some kind of seizure. According to Ty, the car whipped out of the car wash, damaged it, then hopped a curb and landed on the hood of Colin's car.

At least I think it was Colin's. All I know for sure is that it wasn't mine.

Anyway, after the ambulance carted the old man away, and the police report was filled out, Chip went straight to work. I'm not sure how he got there. And I guess it doesn't really matter. But man, I would never have gone to work after being involved with something like that.

I am of the opinion that if you just survived what likely could have been a fatal happening, then you have received a “Get Drunk and Miss Work Today” card from whatever powers would be polite enough to back me on this theory. Hell, I'm the guy who worked it into his contract that he is not required to come to work the day after the Cardinals win the World Series (so naturally, they won on a weekend, and I didn't have to work anyway?figures) so there's no way I'd show up after a near fatal accident or an act of heroism that caused a brush with death. No fucking way.

And so to you, Chip and to you, Mr. Autry, I offer the “There's No Fucking Way I Would Have Ever Done That” award.

Way to go right to work after a near-tragedy.