The trait that most separates humans from the rest of the animal kingdom is our ability to manipulate tools outside of those attached to our bodies. Over the course of mankind’s history, the breadth and depth of our mastery has been constantly accelerating. Despite our astounding past successes, I’m here to deliver a grim forecast. People, as a whole, are going to get stupider. It may be happening already.
The irony of the situation is that our emerging weakness stems from our own intelligence and diligence. No base is left uncovered. No stone unturned. Innovation after new innovation is created with the aim of saving precious lives. Whose lives are we saving exactly? Idiots'. Morons'. Retards'.
Our expansive control over our environment has, in effect, eliminated natural selection. Man’s only predator is himself. Not only that, but the strong are basically legally obligated to insure every precaution is taken to preserve the weak. The jackasses that would’ve fatally poisoned themselves by sampling the sink cocktail are now surviving to adulthood. And breeding. The cycle will only continue. Subsequent generations will be even further diluted with dumb asses.
That is, unless we rid ourselves of the implements that prevent the stupid from killing themselves. With the best interests of humanity in mind, I present to you…
THE TOP 10 WAYS TO BRING BACK NATURAL SELECTION
10. Outlaw helmets. From bicycle accidents to hockey fights, countless lives are needlessly saved every year thanks to helmets. Outlawing protective headgear would leave participants in these activities to their own freewill and poor sense of self-preservation. Of those that forge on with their beloved hobbies, the best of the bunch should be able to survive to old age, while the reckless should expectedly perish.
9. Refuse to give medical attention for self-inflicted wounds. Ever wonder what bleach tasted like? Really want to figure out what’s jamming the woodchipper? Well, if my plan is implemented, there won’t be anyone to save your ass when you can no longer resist your curiosity.
8. Make every pool and beach ‘swim at your own risk’. Very rarely is a drowning death anything but the victim’s own stupid fault. By getting rid of all lifeguards, we can help keep the less buoyant from pissing in the gene pool.
7. Mass-produce child-friendly locks. Child-proof locks and caps prevent millions of idiot kids from jumping out of moving cars and snacking on Percocets like they were Skittles. By replacing child-proof locks with child-friendly locks, the most carelessly inquisitive youths will be thrown under the bus, both figuratively and literally.
6. Litter the globe with obvious booby traps. “Pull this rope and a grand piano will fall onto your head.” “Press this button and you will drop into a pit full of spikes.” “This chick will let you do her rawdog, but she has AIDS.” You get my drift.
5. Give everyone a limitless supply of fireworks. Every year around the 4th of July, you see it in the news. “Some Dumb Ass Blows Own Face Off”. Supplying the bottom of the world’s barrel with their fill of explosives will ensure that the survivally challenged meet their appropriate ends.
4. Legalize the annihilation of jaywalkers. Every year, I alone avoid dozens of oblivious pedestrians who rely on me to spare them because of vehicular homicide legislation. By making it legal to run over those who ignore crosswalks and traffic signals, not only will we relieve the strain on our natural resources, but it will become a hell of a lot more fun to drive a car.
3. Confiscate all weapons. The advent of weapons is what initially gave humans the edge over genetically better-equipped beasts. Confiscating and melting down all weaponry would tilt the playing field back to nature’s predators, making it optimal to…
2. Release starving jungle cats into crowds. To combat mankind’s lack of a predator, famished jungle cats will be released without warning into crowded areas. Since no one will have a pre-fashioned weapon to ward off nature’s most awesome predators, only the fastest and most resourceful will escape from being eaten alive. As reparation, tigers will also be afforded the luxury of keeping human pelts to use as rugs.
1. Maintain the status quo. Continuing our current pace of resource consumption and toxin production will inevitably lead to a climatic meltdown. Once the melting polar ice caps have flooded the coasts and weather systems have undergone abrupt catastrophic shifts, human civilization will revert to a feral struggle for survival. The socioeconomic class system – currently the biggest impediment of natural selection – will collapse into shambles, allowing the truly most worthy leaders to emerge. White will be black! Up will be down! CHAOS WILL REIGN SUPREME!
Unless my philosophical twin is elected president and brings about sweeping radical change, I don’t expect to see any of my above proposals come to fruition, except for the last one. So kick back, grab a brew, and reserve your frontrow seat to Armageddon.
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