First of all I'd like to say thank you everybody for coming to Chris and Janet's wedding.
I know Chris mentioned to me that it means a lot to him that everyone was able to make it. Especially those of you coming from far away. (note to self: look over at Chris) And buddy, it means a lot to me that you decided to show up. (note to self: pause for laughter – wink at the hot ladies in the room)
I first met Chris back in high school. He bought weed off me and we smoked up in the school’s parking lot. Opps, should I even be saying this? (not to self: pause for laughter) Well, we got so high that we had to go sit in my car and skip last period because we were way too high to do anything! Afterwards I attempted to drive but that story is for a whole other wedding! (note to self: pause for laughter )
Anyways, ever since then Chris and I have been best buds. And then along came Janet…
Janet and Chris met second year at University. Apparently, Chris had signed up for some Mathematics course by mistake. Of course, on the first day of class, he just happened to sit down next to Janet and the rest is… fate shall we say? (pump fist a couple times around crotch area like you're pretending to jerk off – pause for laughter)
I must admit, at first I didn't think Janet was right for Chris. I mean don't get me wrong, Janet is a sweet girl; but I just didn't think their personalities matched. They didn't have much in common and she was more into funny guys. Now I know most of you know that *I'M* a funny guy and right now you're probably thinking “whoa buddy, sounds like someone's a little jealous!” (hold mirror up to face and stare into it for a good 30 seconds) and maybe you're right (put mirror away). I think I can admit this now that Chris and Janet are together forever, but yes, back then I did want Janet. (look over at Janet and pull out fake handgun)…its more like I fuckin' needed her. (put fake handgun away)
Janet remember the time when we all went to Mikey's birthday party? You remember how fuckin' good you looked? Chris had passed out on the couch from being too high and you and I spent the rest of that night talking until the sun came up….and then we kissed. I wanted to fuck but a kiss was all I could get. (look over at Chris and wink) You're right bud, she does have the softest lips in town.
The point of all this is that it didn't matter that Janet and I had a thing that night. Because in the end, it's Chris and Janet sitting over at that table and nobody else. (wipe tear away with kleenex while making eye contact with chicks in room). Love conquers all people….love conquers all. (maintain eye contact)
(dramatically get down on your knees, bow your head and raise champagne glass into air) Contragulations to Chris and Janet!
(pause and wait for standing ovation)