The dating game is a full contact sport, and if you don’t know the X’s and O’s, you will never leave the bench. The singles scene is like a curling match: cold and confusing with an indecipherable scoring system…and there’s a lot of yelling. All the clever sports analogies in the world could not throw a hail Mary pass long enough to convert a first down on the long and perplexing field where love is the end zone.

Guy hitting on a girl at a restaurant barFret not, weary bachelors and female bachelors: I am here to help. I have compiled a compilation of the most important dating guidelines that have ever been compiled in a compilation. These 3 simple rules will keep your hands at 10 and 2 on the steering wheel of dating etiquette… which maneuvers the short bus of courtship… which is speeding along the highway to happiness…or something like that. So buckle up, you big retard.

Rule 1: Be Yourself…Unless You Are Not Very Interesting

Take a good look at yourself and identify your faults. These faults help shape your personality and add up to the complex and unique individual that no one wants to fuck. Always remember: you are not that interesting and your quirks are not endearing. Start telling people that you like “all kinds” of music, and that your political views tend to “gravitate toward the middle.” If asked about religion, say that you “only know that you don’t know,” and “just try to be a good person.” You will find that you have a lot in common with most people you meet.

By pretending to be the person you think everyone will like, you will eventually meet that special someone who is pretending to be the person that is the perfect match for the person you are pretending to be, and that is a key step toward pretending to be happy.

Rule 2: Be Very Good Looking

Beauty is only skin deep, but it means everything. Studies have shown that most people want to have sex with attractive people. Without looks, no one will ever get to know about the person you are pretending to be. It is much easier to like an attractive person, so you’ll be making it hard on yourself if you choose to be ugly. Just remember to tell others that looks aren’t important to you, because that is part of pretending to be nice; and people usually pretend to like people just for pretending to be nice.

Rule 3: Have (or Pretend to Have) a Sense of Humor

It is a fact that women and men alike tell other people that “sense of humor” is the most important quality in a mate. This, of course, is complete balderdash. The term itself doesn’t imply that a person is funny, or even that a person is keen on picking up subtle wit…it simply means that a person has the ability to sense that humor is in their midst. It is entirely too vague a term to actually be important. Saying that sense of humor is important is like saying saying sense of smell is important: almost everyone has that sense, and if they don’t, they have some weird kind of disability and no one would ever think to date them anyhow.

That being said, what IS important is that everyone says a sense of humor is important. Basically, just remember to laugh periodically when people tell a joke. You can tell that a joke has been said by noticing that a person has just finished saying words and is looking at you expectantly, and vulnerably. Let them know that you think they are funny, even though you weren’t listening. Let out a chuckle and say, “I know, right?” It pretty much always works half of the time.

In Conclusion: Ok, we’re done here.