WASHINTON – President Bush released confirmation of 10 terrorist plots disrupted since the attacks of September 11, 2001. The White House provided details regarding the plots, including a 2002 effort to highjack planes for targets on the West Coast. A similar plot designed for the East Coast was uncovered in 2003. “The terrorists really suck at innovation,” said a White House intelligence correspondent.

Though the president’s speech came around the release of a warning for New York subways, the strength of the president’s address lay in appraisal of his top intelligence officials. “I’m just so proud of our intelligence. We now have a crack-team of individuals on the case,” noted President Bush. “In fact, when we captured Jose Padilla, he was only exploring the possibility of what it might take just to dream about making a dirty bomb. That’s what hiring a team of psychics can do for our country.”

The listing of foiled plots began after the apprehension of Khalid “Old Man Shaikh” Mohammed, the alleged mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks and the owner of the haunted amusement park. When asked of his involvement, Mohammed declined comment only to complain about some nosy kids and their dog.