Google Maps: Thank you for using Google Maps to get to Gaslamp Brewing! Want to know what people there are ordering?

You sure? You’ll fit in better!

Don’t order the same light beer you always do. This is a craft beer bar.

Visa Diamond Platinum Rewards Card (Metallic Finish): So you ordered the usual, huh?

Tinder: One of Boston’s most active matches is seated down the bar from you! Her name is Dakota. Want to swipe right on Dakota?

Untappd — Drink Socially!: Dakota rated her Mezcalifragilaistic Smoked Gose 4.7 out of 5!

Visa Diamond Platinum Rewards Card (Metallic Finish): Want to send Dakota another Smoked Gose?

Tinder: You have a new match!

Instagram: DKots86 is following you. Follow back?

Facebook: Hey, remember me? I’m totally relevant to your demographic! Want to see Dakota’s prom photos from 2006?

Open Table: Time for dinner? Petit Robert has a table for 2 available at 8:30 PM tonight! Petit Robert is ranked the #4 Most Romantic Date Spot in Boston by Open Table power users!

Postmates: Or you could get delivery!

GrubHub: Impress her with the spice level on your usual Korean fried chicken order!

Uber Eats: Petit Robert offers takeout, you know.

Task Rabbit: Do you want someone to go make your bed? Maybe tidy your apartment? We know you hired Valerie P. to scrub your bathroom the morning your mom arrived on Delta Flight 3784. (You did not tip enough to make up for your shower drain.)

Drizzly: New Deal Alert! $10 off when you order any two bottles of tequila!

Google Maps: Dakota’s saved Home location is a 23-minute walk! We pulled up directions for you.

Uber: Your driver Stella will arrive in 2 minutes in a Blue Toyota Camry. Be outside! Making Stella wait will hurt your customer rating and will make you look bad in front of Dakota. Dakota has a 5 star rating.

PornHub: Want to see what DKot86’s favorite genres are? We can tell that your phone is right next to her phone. You may want to consider reviewing your privacy settings.

Drizzly: Your order of LaCroix Hard Seltzer Mixed Citrus 12 pack will be dropped off in 10 minutes!

Waze: We’d say this night is going in the right direction! Wink wink.

Google Maps: I hate you so much, Waze.

Tinder: Um, hey, so this is awkward, but Dakota’s last Tinder match just put in an Uber Eats order to deliver to her apartment.

Google Maps: Uh oh.

Uber Eats: Four sushi rolls are just right for two people to share. Sushi is ranked #1 in Best Netflix and Chill Date Foods in your area (paid partnership with Netflix).

Netflix: We acknowledge that this may not have been the most appropriate moment for a sponsored ad.

PornHub: Threesomes are not in DKot86’s top 5 genres.

Apple Podcasts: New episode of Dead Sexy: The Jealous Lover Killings is now available to download.

YouTube: Yoga With Adrienne doesn’t really have a video for this. You may like “10 Minute Cardio Dance Kickboxing with Billy Blanks.”

Drizzly: Not gonna lie, the guy who accepted your order of LaCroix Hard Seltzer Mixed Citrus 12 pack was pretty hot. Sort of a John Cho thing going on. Also, he tipped cash!

Instagram: Dakota rewatched pics_by_pete’s story seven times today. Want to see it? He’s holding a black lab while standing in a stream. His smile is almost as dazzling as his biceps.

WhatsApp: Isn’t he the Pete from your kickball team? He’s in your group text!

iMessage: Yes, it would be weird for you to text him right now.

WhatsApp: Weirder than just showing up?

Oh god wait is that a private message or is that–

Jenna from your kickball league wants to know why you’re helping Pete’s new girlfriend cheat on him!

Pete also wants to know! They just decided to be exclusive!

Luke, who designed the team t-shirts, sent a gif from a TV show you’ve never seen. We can’t really help you with the reference but it seems bad!

Meetup — Find events near you!: Looking for a new kickball team in your area?

Uber: You can add a stop to your ride if you want. Drop off Dakota like a gentleman and then go home.

Google Chrome: Want to search for “symptoms of a heart attack” again?

Uber: Stella is only rating you 4 stars because the duck-and-roll out of the back seat really freaked her out.

Strava: New route available from Dakota’s front steps! No really, start running.

PornHub: Oddly enough, this is exactly one of DKot86’s top 5 genres.

Visa Diamond Platinum Rewards Card (Metallic Finish): You have enough Diamond Platinum Double Cash Back Rewards Points to get a one-way ticket to Cincinnati. No one knows you there.

AirBnB: Looking for a remote woodsy getaway with mountain views to give you perspective on your shame?

Strava: New PR for a two-mile run! Great job!

Amazon Prime: We queued up Hobbes and Shaw. Your Apple watch data shows that listening to the Rock’s voice slows your heart rate.

Venmo: Are you really sure you want to charge Dakota for her half of the Uber ride?


Related

Resources