Get your Vitamin D, kids! The official state beverage of Arkansas is milk. Whether you’re visiting Hot Springs National Park or the birthplace of former President Bill Clinton, nothing says “Arkansas” like a tall, cool glass of milk!
Huh, the state beverage of Delaware is also milk! That’s okay. We can drink milk in more than one state! Did you know that Delaware was the first state to ratify the U.S. Constitution? If that doesn’t call for a tall, cool glass of milk, nothing does!
Uh… milk. Okay, this is a little weird, but: we just went downstairs to make ourselves a sandwich, and our wife was sitting at the table drinking a glass of milk. She drank it long and slow and her eyes were closed the entire time. When she was done, she opened her eyes, and she did not look surprised to see us.
“Very few things,” said our wife, “are more refreshing than a tall, cool glass of milk.”
The state beverage of Maryland is milk. We were starting to feel a little worried, so we went down to the bait shop and asked Earl why he thought so many states have milk as their official beverage. Earl looked rattled. He got real quiet.
“Don’t go poking your nose where it don’t belong,” Earl said.
“Of course not,” we replied. Earl looked around to see if anyone was listening.
“Nothing is more delicious than a tall, cool glass of milk,” we added. Earl nodded, relieved.
We bought a gallon of milk to bring home, just in case.
Milk. Milk again. All we see when we close our eyes is milk. Milk: squirting from udders, congealing in secret places, swirling in gleaming white eddies. All we know is milk. Our wife smiles placidly as she places tonight’s dinner on the table: a tall, cool glass of milk. Outside, a van idles. It is marked North Deerfield Construction, but there is no construction site nearby.
We wake in the night, our head spinning. North Deerfield Construction = NDC = National Dairy Council? Have they found us here? The bug-out bag is shoved deep under the bed. We packed it almost as a joke, but we’re not laughing now.
Our wife sits in her study. We almost don’t recognize her as we go in to say goodbye. She is a tall, cool glass of milk.
“Earl,” we shout into the payphone. “Earl, did you know that of the 30 states and U.S. territories with an official state beverage, 22 of them are milk? Earl, we gotta go. Maybe to one of the milkless states, Florida or Massachusetts. I don’t know. There’s just—there’s something sinister at work here.” We trail off as we hear the van door slide open, register the crunch of footsteps on gravel.
“Hello there,” comes a voice from behind us. “You look like you could use a tall, cool glass of milk.”
You know what it is. You must know by now. The re-education facility is shaped like a tall, cool glass of milk.
They won’t stop until they’ve seized control of all 50 states.
“Tomato juice,” we whisper to each other late into the night. “The official state beverage of Ohio is tomato juice.” Texas has no state beverage, we learn. The re-educator has long nails painted cream.
“Don’t Texans seem like they’d enjoy a tall, cool glass of milk?” She trills. We try to stay strong. Our stomachs gurgle ominously.
We can feel ourselves beginning to crack. We’re so thirsty… so thirsty… but for what?
Milk! The official state beverage of Vermont is milk. Whether you’re visiting the capital city of Montpelier or enjoying some quality time on one of Vermont’s many ski slopes, it’s always a treat to enjoy some fresh Vermont dairy. And, oh, friend, you know us: there’s simply nothing we love more than a tall, cool glass of milk.