Shabby chic is a popular interior design style that embraces a lived-in look. You can spend a fortune on a professional decorator, who will search for just the right furniture, textiles, and flooring to create the style and feel you want, or you can hire us, We Do It With Dogs.
We Do It With Dogs gives you shabby chic out the ears, and for a fraction of the prices charged by hotsy-totsy types who have degrees in interior design. For instance:
- Worn furniture is the foundation of any shabby chic room, and dogs are the foundation of worn furniture. To achieve the abused, clawed-at look that is so prized, we recommend thirty minutes daily of strenuous fetch with two to three of our friskiest young hounds and our patented Saliva-Coated Squeaky Ball.
- At the close of the furniture-wearing session, our hounds are trained to jump onto your too-new, too-clean sofa cushions, turn in circles, burrow between the cushions and wind up with their heads under the throw pillows and their rumps thrown up against the backrests. In no time, your couch will look like it belongs on a porch in a university housing neighborhood—precisely the effect you desire.
- Pair your newly distressed furniture with the charming threadbare look of carpet that's on its last possible legs. If you're so unfortunate as to own thick new rugs and high-pile carpeting, don't despair! Give us a morning or two with a three-pack of scrappy little dachshunds and one highly desirable stuffed monkey, and your carpet will look like hell—that's our WDIWD promise!
- Next, tables. Those polished mahogany monstrosities and that hideous East Hampton table with soft finishes, graceful curves, and subtle accents will be transformed lickety-split—or shall we say lickety-spit?—with our triple-threat combination: a Bernese mountain dog, a Saint Bernard, and a Neapolitan mastiff. The jowls of these three canine slobber fountains reliably churn out a rich and slippery potion that reduces even the finest finish to bare wood in just a few sessions. Sign up for a bonus workshop featuring a brace of golden retrievers with anxiety disorders, and you'll never need to touch your tables again.
- Sideboards, buffets, countertops, and floors might be a challenge—but not for We Do It With Dogs, because only WDIWD has in its employ a scrappy team of Chihuahuas, Pomeranians, and Shih Tzus whose tiny toenails will scratch, batter and strip away paint and/or stain on every surface in your home. These little-but-mighty workers yield to no one when it comes to turning even brand-new pieces into objects that appear to have been dragged out of a long-abandoned warehouse after a fire.
- Don't forget the windows. Nothing says “shabby chic” like the smear of dog spit on every pane a four-legged friend's tongue can reach. Our canines have specially treated spit that adheres to all glass surfaces, including mirrors, attorney bookshelves, and glass-topped bistro tables. The cloudy whorls and opaque patches will delight and impress your friends, who will rush to rave about your vintage home to others. “Shabby chic is putting it mildly!” they will rhapsodize.
- As a finishing touch, we arrange for our full team of canine associates to come to your home, eat biscuits, race around madly, tear into the garbage, demolish a full bushel of the cheapest, flimsiest toys—no sturdy Kongs or Nylabones for us!—and of course, shed, shed, shed!
For a small upcharge, we'll include no fewer than four dogs known to vomit after eating unfamiliar treats such as garbage, and several dogs who have yet to enroll in our housebreaking class.
Finally, our Aggressive Dog Workshop is to our services as Carnauba wax is to a top-flight car wash. The details are a closely guarded company secret, but this four-hour workshop guarantees our customers the pinnacle of live-in comfort.
Give us a call today! You'll achieve the hovel of your dreams with money left over, because We Do It—affordably!—With Dogs.