By staff writer Tyler Haggard
Television has everything. Sports are at home on ESPN, ESPN 2/3/4/5/U and Classic, and Fox Sports Net; rednecks have a moonshine-induced chokehold on the Outdoor Life Network; even women can capitalize on what little strengths they have by turning on the Food Network. If you're interested in something, and studies show that most people are, then with the advent of stolen cable, you’re able to access it 24-7 by flipping on your tube.
This is why I'm going to make an obscene amount of money by selling my idea of the all-college network, University Television.
Let’s face it, MTV had potential for becoming the network for university-aged youngsters. It’s still the network that is most closely associated with today's youth…and that pisses me off. I don't want to be affiliated with Date My Mom, regardless of how many of your mothers I'm physically involved with. Laguna Beach, or whatever “rich kids have problems too 🙁 ” show they’re airing nowadays, makes me lose faith in humanity all the more. The current programming on MTV is horrendous. The only good shows to air on there in the last few years have been canceled. Does anyone else remember Undergrads and Clone High? No? You were watching The Andy Dick Show, you say?
My point exactly. Coked up bastards.
Enter UTV. Since MTV is now almost exclusively geared towards high school students and the Super Sweet Sixteen crowd (I want to take a blowtorch to the face of every uppity bitch I’ve seen on that show, Hostel style), UTV would consist of programming that We, the College Aggregate, would actually want to watch. What’s that? Wanna know what shows I've got lined up?
I'm glad you asked.
The World Series of Drinking Games
If you thought America had a gambling surge after the ESPN Poker Blitzkrieg of 2003, just wait until you see what kind of turn the country embraces with this new series! (Hint: it rhymes with balcoholism.)
Think about it: you’ve all heard at least one (or fifty) of your friends scream about how they could beat anyone, anytime, in [insert skill-based drinking game]. Well, here’s their chance.
All manners of drinking games will be present at the competition, much like the many different styles of poker played at the WSOP. The hardened drinking veterans (you know, the ones who need a few beers before class to “get normal”) will duke it out with the Keg Race. Frat-boy marksmen from across our nation’s colleges will assemble, hats backwards and fist pounds at the ready, to celebrate that magical redemption shot over the Beer Pong Final Table. The college world will be on the collective edge of their collective collegiate seats as the last shot of the Quarters Event hangs delicately on the rim of the glass, one breath away from oblivion or golden, sudsy bliss.
Finally, a sport I can play along with while I watch, seeing how I’m a raging balcoholic.
This weekly series will showcase a different college campus every episode, delving into the traditions and cultures of the nation’s universities and colleges that don’t suck (Weber State, you’re gonna have to step it up). This half-hour of UTV programming will learn you a bit about the history of a college you’ll never think about again.
Now, I realize that most colleges are the same, minus school colors and the mammal they chose to represent the school. Doesn’t matter. The crews would hit up all 120 of the Division-1 Football Bowl Schedule schools first, because, and let’s be honest here, no one wants to go to a school without a decent football team, let alone watch an entire half-hour of programming on one.
The camera crews would arrive mid-to-late September, when football season is in full swing and the beer flows like wine. They’d document parties on Friday night, tailgates the subsequent morning, and parties Saturday night. If you think there needs to be more footage to accurately get a feel for a college campus, then you’re not fucking college enough. Go interview a professor for your university’s public access television—my camera crews and I will be over here getting free beer and seeing more tits than Girls Gone Wild.
Speaking of which, the network will be an HBO-style premium cable channel. No censorship for the hardcore.
Even the students will be interviewed, making it infinitely easier to hook up with someone when you’re asked, “Didn’t I see you on that TV show about our college?” Yes, they did, and you better hope they don’t realize that you were the one they made fun of while you unwittingly gave the crew a tour of the library. “Kick Me” signs can be torn off, but the crushing emotional defeat lasts longer than the adhesive ever could.
Ever gotten blank stares from your friends back home when you mention an awesome local band that they couldn’t possibly have had exposure to? Yeah, me neither, but I’ll bet it’s happened sometime. Well, since no college channel would be complete without esoteric music, I propose that instead of the MINDLESS GARBAGE they play on other music networks nowadays, Local Beat will showcase a few local bands and various other musicians from around the college scene.
And I’m not talking about those nappy hippies you know from Public Speaking that have their own “killer acoustic jam band, man.” Only music worth listening to will make the cut. Music videos, interviews with the band, live footage of a concert, and you got yourself a good half-hour of filler time. Good exposure for the bands, good music for the fans, and everybody’s happy.
Barhopping would be like College Town, in that each episode would take place in a different college…town. But that’s where the similarities end. Well, it also has alcohol. And droves of women vying for the attention of the camera. Shut up, it’s nothing like College Town!
Instead of the camera-and-crew driven style of College Town, Barhopping will have a host. He may or may not have “the most,” but I think it could be argued that this is neither here nor there. Said Host would go from bar to bar in the town, talking it up with locals, visiting all the late-night spots in the town where legend says college students congregate, all the while increasing in hilarity while sobriety takes a sharp nose-dive. This will hopefully give some of the lesser-known bars and pool halls and titty bars of the world a chance to shine under the grit and grime of their seldom-washed floors and tables.
As George-Jean Nathan once said, “I drink to make other people more interesting.” Following this mantra, home viewers will be advised to drink not only along with Said Host, but whenever someone on screen is shown talking a shot, swig of beer, or sip of water.*
Since I’m lazy and don’t feel like coming up with more original programming at this particular point in time, I’m gonna end it here. But believe you me, we need something nowadays to placate the generation that’s not still watching Rugrats, and not into Matlock reruns quite yet.
And that’s why I’m going to be rich one day.
*University Television is not responsible for the health, safety, sobriety, or decisions made as a result of following the “suggestions” of UTV programming. But you’re gay if you don’t drink. Don’t take my word for it—that’s science.