So you’ve messed up your dinner and now you have inedible leftovers.
Is this familiar? You tried to make spaghetti, and you accidentally used yogurt instead of alfredo sauce? You were a little drunk so you didn’t really mind, but the next day you’ve got a real conundrum. You don’t like wasting food, but this food is garbage. You’re hungry but you can’t eat these leftovers. What’re you going to do?
Sell the spaghetti on Etsy! Someone on the internet will appreciate your unique meal. Use the money to buy dinner.
Make a batch of lemonade, approximately 30 gallons (use a stock tank if you have one handy). That should be enough lemonade that when you mix in the yogurt spaghetti, you’ll barely taste the bad pasta. Start an all-natural, hand-squeezed lemonade stand. Use the money to buy dinner.
Get drunk and stoned. Consume as is.
Heavily hint around town that you are going on a long vacation and leaving your house full of rare treasures unguarded. Say loudly that you’re not worried because you trust in the kindness of strangers. This will assuredly attract cat burglars to your house. Here’s the trick: Don’t go on vacation. Hope the burglars walk off with the yogurt spaghetti.
Adjust your goals. If you don’t want to put food in the garbage, commit to hoarding. Leave it in your fridge for the rest of your life. Grow to love the spaghetti alla yogurt. Cherish it. Feel the shame of hoarding bad food. Get drunk and stoned to mask the shame. Be sure not to eat that spaghetti.
Create an Instagram account for the spaghetti and get a lot of followers. Post photos of the yogurt spaghetti with a can of Pepsi. Get a sponsorship deal with Pepsi. Use the money to buy dinner.
Save the spaghetti until Halloween. Donate it to a local haunted house as a spooky thing for kids to stick their hands in. Trade your spaghetti for something else in the haunted house, like plain spaghetti without yogurt or peeled grapes.
Via a combination of organ transplants and pagan ritual sacrifices, grant life to the yogurt spaghetti. Raise it in a free range pasture for five weeks then slaughter it. Brine thinly sliced flank cuts overnight. Pan sear. Serve medium-rare.
Run it through with a wooden spoon. Freeze it. Sell it to a museum of weird popsicles. Use the money to buy dinner.
Compost the spaghetti in your municipal compost bin. If your city doesn’t have a composting program, demand one, because the alternatives are bad. According to the EPA, biowaste in landfills tends to create more methane than other solid waste and it creates more methane when put in a landfill instead of being composted. Furthermore, the process of composting actually sequesters carbon, that is, it captures and stores it. And then actually using the compost reduces the need for chemical fertilizer in farming. Altogether, composting is a totally awesome thing for your city to do. Of course, you still don’t have dinner. Damn. Sorry. You can scrap this “trick.” Pretty useless if it doesn’t benefit you right now.
Throw the yogurt spaghetti at a politician. Get arrested. When asked why you did it, say “I was hungry for change.” Gain popularity for your political activism and your new catchphrase. Get asked to be in a photo shoot where you’re eating dinner. Actually eat the dinner.
Use the yogurt spaghetti to create an altar for Pastafarians. When the altar attracts worshipers, ask for alms. Renounce Pastafarianism to avoid being smote by their god when you use the alms to buy dinner.
Get sick so that you can no longer taste or smell. Eat yogurt spaghetti as is.