By contributing writer T. White

I’ve come to the very clear, and very horrifying conclusion that I can put a monetary value on everything in my life. This, of course, led me to make a mental list of what I would do for what sum of money, which, of course, led me to realize something in my head is fucked up…naturally.

Some people claim they would do ANYTHING for money, and if they’re being honest, then they’re genuinely retarded. I wouldn’t do anything for money, but there’s a lot of shit I would do. For those of you (guys) who say, “I wouldn’t kiss a dude for a million dollars—that’s gay,” I say, show me a briefcase with a million dollars cash and I’ll be the fag with two bottles of mouthwash, a pack of gum, and $999,987 cash.

The train of thought (the train which carries thoughts) started a couple months back when I heard about that chick who lost her feet on Six Flags' version of The Tower of Terror. If you haven’t heard the story (aka you don’t pay attention to the news), some girl was on a roller coaster, a cable snapped, and it sliced her feet off. The girl is clearly going to get ass-loads of money in a settlement. Not a standard ass-load; double-penetrating, porn star ass-loads. That’s a large load. Of ass.


Did somebody say threesome?
$800,000 (no cocks touch).

One of my (stupid) roommates exclaimed that he wouldn’t care how much money he got in a settlement, he would NEVER be happy again without his feet. Bull. Fucking. Shit.

First off: Hello? The Bionic Woman was on TV in the 70’s. If they can make sluts bionic 30 years ago, imagine what they’re doing with feet in 2007. And, even if you can’t get scientific feet, who gives a fuck?

Let me overview the argument here:

My Roommate: You can’t exercise and play sports.

Me: Exercise sucks anyway. Plus, when you’re 35 you’re not going to be climbing Mount Vesuvius and playing tackle football. You just lost 15 years of hating exercise, big fucking deal.

Roommate: You can’t wear sandals.

Me: Feet are ugly. (Yes, even female feet. Paint your toe nails. Go get a manicure. Put them in heels. Oh wait, they’re still a rectangular piece of flesh with nubs.)

Roommate: You’re bound to a wheelchair, you have to breathe through a straw to make your chair go forward or backwards, and your only form of communication is through blinking.

Me: What the fuck happened to you? Your feet got cut off. You didn’t fall off a fucking show horse after a successful career portraying a superhero.

Aside aside, you should now be making a mental tally of how much money it would take for you to do fucked up shiznit. I even started making a physical list of things I would do along with the dollar amount necessary.

  1. Slice my feet off (never getting any feet back) – $4,000,000
  2. Slice my feet off (replaced by Discovery Channel feet) – $1,000,000
  3. Break a beer bottle over my face (empty bottle) – $700
  4. Break a beer bottle over my face (filled with acid) – $600,000
  5. Jump out a 2nd story window – $1,000
  6. Jump out a 3rd story window – $85,000
  7. Jump out a 4th floor window – Reincarnation
  8. Finger a girl with gonorrhea – $2,000
  9. Eat out a girl with gonorrhea – $3,000,000+
  10. Ass fuck a girl with a bear trap in her anus – $1,500,000
  11. Get head from a girl known to get lock jaw – $750,000
  12. Give up hand jobs forever – $7

And then I got to an interesting point in my list. How much to give up sex forever? I thought long about this one. How much money is sex worth to me? To give up one night’s worth of sex: probably about $63, enough to get me a new video game and certainly make up for that night’s foregone activities. I’ll even prorate for a whole week off. For the one-time only low, low price of $120, I will give up a week of the horizontal hustle.

But a lifetime? 52 weeks x $120/week > $6,000 a year. $6,000 will easily buy you a Dyson vacuum cleaner complete with the “suck you off” attachment kit. With about $5,500 to spare. And that’s just in one year. In 30 years you’d be pushing 200 grand. But then you have to take into account you’ll probably go insane and kill yourself in two years. Can you even put a price on a lifetime of celibacy? When you’re as good looking as I am?

Thennnn I started to think, well how much to have women removed from my life completely? To not only remove the physical connection I value so highly, but also that emotional thing. Wow, I just threw myself in the master de bate.

And THEN I thought, wait, this isn’t a hard choice at all. What do women really offer besides sex? Okay, they make babies. We all know that. We need the baby makers. But what else?

Women want to go to school and get themselves all learned so they can go out there and be someone. In reality, they’re spending Daddy’s entire college fund on a journalism major and graduating with the skills of a circus elephant (i.e. getting fat, putting on small dresses, dancing to music, and begging for nuts—ZING).

Then they say they want equal rights in the workplace. Equal jobs for everyone. But in reality, they still want men to buy everything for them because “all women are princesses.” Guys, how much do you hate seeing that quote in a girl’s Facebook?

Finally, after two long years in the work force, they start popping out babies and want to change their job title to “Full-time Mom.” Fine by me, but if you even so much as hint at the fact that you want me to do any housework, I will put you out on the street faster than you can say “Dyson vacuum cleaner.”

So once I guaranteed my girlfriend will break up with me, and my friends’ girlfriends will leave them through association, I put a monetary value on women: -$50/week. That’s right, negative. I will pay $50 a week to send women to some unknown island where they can sit in a pool menstruating on each other’s ugly feet.

For more calculator fun, that’s barely more than $2,500 a year. Considering the going rate for women includes, but is certainly not limited to, the cost of dinner, jewelry, drinks, condoms, nice clothes, a nice car, and something that makes you deaf, I think we’re coming out ahead here.

This epiphany really made me proud, and I was happy to inform everyone who could hear the screams from my room. Men can play more video games, replace daytime soap operas with a re-run of last night’s game, and take salads off restaurant menus for good.

And just as I was sealing my letter to the U.N. letting them know I have the formula for world peace, my idiotic roommate had another comment: “You’ll never do anything on that list given the opportunity.”

And goddamnit, he’s right. I believe all this shit right now, but by tomorrow this list (and this article) will be completely irrelevant and I’ll probably forget all about it. So I started actually thinking before talking/writing.

I said I would kiss a man for one million dollars, and that holds true. But what happens when an employer finally realizes how smart I am and rightly compensates me for it? If I’m pissing out million dollar bills, there’s NO FUCKING WAY I’m kissing a dude. So in essence, this list is a reflection of two things:

1. My current lack of funds.
2. My desire to find any way to avoid working the rest of my life.

So maybe I’ll keep the list in my head for now. I wouldn’t want to sign myself off for a paper cut across my taint for $500 when my future employer pays me four times that weekly. But out of curiosity, and partial inspiration for this article: What would you do for money, and, more importantly, for how much?

When making your list, remember this: a million dollars to Bill Gates is like Gaudio or DeGraaf to a hot chick—not even worth bending over for.

Join upcoming comedy classes in Satire & Sketch Writing, Improv, and Stand-Up.