Yes, the four-week August Meditation Yoga camp has just cancelled and you need another camp to offload the kids. The helpful message also suggested you try these last-ditch camps available within 100 miles.

Java Poker Camp

Campers will be sequestered in various artsy java stops and use laptops to learn game strategies for Texas Hold ’me. Lunch will be rock-hard raisin scones, lip-searing hot chocolate, whipped cream, and Red Bull. In the afternoon, campers will spend four hours playing video poker in coffee shops. Buy in for each hand is twenty bucks. Parents must provide campers with stake of at least $600 in unmarked bills for the start. Any winnings by the campers are subject to a twenty-percent administrative cut from the camp operators. Ages 4-12, lasts four weeks

Treasure Camp

On the first day, campers will be taught effective dumpster diving techniques for retrieval of valuable trash from commercial bins. They will then spend the remainder of the month visiting various local shopping center and strip mall dumpster enclaves. At the end of each day, campers will be taught to negotiate prices for their treasures, minus a twenty-percent camp overhead cut. Ages 5-15

Art Exploitation Camp

Campers will learn the ropes about running noisy, overpriced museum cafés with special attention to the ins and outs of mopping floors, busing tables, and commercial dishwasher operation. They will referee fights over table space during the noon hour rush and clean up chaos left by retirees. Credits can be used as high school AP cultural courses. Ages 13-16

Camp Gusher

Children learn to be roughnecks in the fossil fuel drilling world. During morning sessions, they will prepare oil rig equipment, haul well pipes, and use drilling mud to make sculptures. Afternoons will be spent running deep well fracking operations. First two weeks will be in Lake Charles, Louisiana, and second two weeks on an off-shore rig in the Gulf. Ages 11-16

Camp Flora

Campers will get experience leading to a career in yard maintenance. The fun sessions begin at 8 AM, when the youngsters accompany pickup squads on residential gardening contracts. Skills acquired will be in compost-shoveling, motorized leaf blowers, and weed extraction. Lunch will always be a healthy salad made from the morning’s pulls. The afternoon will be spent learning hedge trimming and dangerous poison applications. Ages 10-18

Camp Malware

In the mornings, our nerd squad will teach campers coding designed for popular hacking attacks that threaten large industrial clients. They will learn to disguise their point of origin as Russia while successfully opening a ransomware payment corridor. Any monetary successes will go to the campers, minus a twenty percent camp fee. Ages 4-15

Camp Colonoscopy Prep

Campers will spend four weeks working as interns in local strip mall colonoscopy mills. They will learn to rewrite incomprehensible instructions on colonoscopy prep and convince patients that, yes, a colonoscopy did happen while they out like a light. Successful colon travel videos will be shown at a parents’ gathering at the conclusion. Ages 12-18

Camp Rejection

Youthful writers will spend four weeks experiencing the heartbreak involved in the submission and rejection protocols for manuscripts. All campers will be expected to submit at least one piece to The New Yorker, knowing it never will be acknowledged. Campers will endure endless therapy sessions to overcome depression. Graduation ceremonies will be held at the local landfill where campers will discard manuscripts into a commercial shredder. Ages 5-16


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