1. Acceptance

This is perfectly adequate. I don’t know what people are talking about; this is fine. Not every album can be Pinkerton. I mean, honestly, Pinkerton isn’t even Pinkerton, you know? The band is tight, Rivers’ voice still sounds great and his melodies are always catchy, so all the haters can just shut up. This is fine. It’s a base hit, not a home run, and that’s what keeps you in the game. Definitely better than Raditude or Hurley. Can I even name a song on either of those? It’s no Blue Album and that’s ok.”

2. Depression

“Most albums get better the more you hear them, but man, not this one. Usually, I can say the guitar work is top-notch but this one doesn’t even have any guitars. Who thought that was a good idea? I’m all for a band experimenting and branching out, but this is objectively lame. The production sounds good, but if songs suck, who cares? Thinking about all that wasted studio time almost makes me want to listen to Fall Out Boy.”

3. Bargaining

“Maybe if they make some goofy videos it’ll make up for the shitty songs, right? I mean, come on, it works for OK Go.

“After watching about ten seconds of the new Weezer video, I have to ask: please tell me they intentionally half-assed this album and rushed it out because of some sort of contractual obligation with their label.

“I quickly searched Google and found all the recent Rivers interviews where he talks about using his new computer coding skills to help write songs and, Jesus’ farts, I can’t believe someone with that level of talent could be so blind to their own suckiness. God, I promise I will stop letting my nephew think Imagine Dragons are cool if you make Weezer release the real version of this album instead of this smorgasbord of lukewarm leftovers.”

4. Anger

“Back in high school, I would’ve shit my pants if you told me Weezer put out 3 albums in 18 months, even if one is a shitty covers album nobody fucking asked for. That’s 4 albums in 2 years if you count the White Album! (which I fucking don’t). Now they’ve cranked out so many lumpy turds it’s tainted their entire discography. Statistically speaking, they’re a band whose studio output is 15% good. They should’ve fucking quit back in 1996 or just become a full-on barbershop quartet. Die off before you have the chance to suck. Pull a Hendrix instead of overstaying your welcome like Eric Clapton.”

5. Denial

“Ok, Rivers is hoarding all the good songs for a future album. He wants to make sure the world is ready for it when it drops and he’s staging every gimmicky stunt he can imagine to keep Weezer relevant so the big important awesome album he’s planning doesn’t come across like a comeback album.

“That has to be it.

“These albums are just filler to keep the band alive in the world’s collective memory and covering some cheesy shit like Africa was the quickest hipster-positive way to keep going. Next they’ll probably cover some other band’s cover of one of their own songs and it’ll be so fucking ironic the world will implode and from the ashes will rise the true Weezer that Rivers intended.

“Death to Weezer! Long live the new flesh!”

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