Well, well, well. As you know, I am Mr. Vernon, principal of Shermer High School. You are here in detention at 7:03 on a Saturday morning to ponder the error of your ways. You will have the next—

Wait… I see Claire is having some trouble connecting. Let’s give Claire a couple of minutes.

Congratulations on finally joining us, Claire.

It is now 7:07 a.m. and you have the next 7 hours and 53 minutes to figure out exactly what brought you here. To consider—

What’s that? Did you have your hand up, Brian? You’re muted, Brian.

No, you’re still muted.

Never mind. We don’t have time for this.

As I was saying, maybe you’ll learn a little something about yourself. Maybe you’ll even decide whether or not you care to return. What’s that you’re drinking, Bender? Is that a BEER? That better not be a beer. You are correct that I cannot see exactly what’s in your mug, but I better not find out that’s a Schlitz, buddy.

Getting back to business, here are a few ground rules. You may not talk. You must stay in your chair. You must keep your videos on.

Not that close, Allison.

You may not… oh, wait. There’s a message in the chat. “Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?” Har har. Very funny, young man. I do not get my clothes from Barry Manilow.

No more of that. No chatting. Stay off the chat.

Can I turn the chat off? Is that possible?

Like I said, any monkey business is ill-advised unless you want to spend the rest of your high school career—

Andrew, are you in the gym right now? Is that a wrestling mat behind you? Oh, that’s a background? Turn it off. No, not your video. Delete the background. Whatever you have to do, get rid of it. I’m very disappointed. I expected more from a varsity letterman.

Okay people, we’re going to try something a little different today. We are going to write an essay of no less than one thousand words, describing to me who you think you are. And when I say essay—Claire, please refrain from applying makeup while I’m talking. Also that’s a very unconventional method for putting on lipstick.

Actually, I think you’re frozen. You’re not moving. Now you’re cutting out. How’s your connection?

Alright, while Claire is rebooting, we’ll go over those rules again. Stay in your seats. No chatting—Allison, do you really need to have your cat in this? New rule, no pets.

What does the clap emoji mean, Brian? Why are you clapping? Is that some code for something? Now a thumbs up? How many emojis does this thing have anyway. Just two?

…I think you forgot to mute yourself again, Brian. We can hear you.

We can still hear you.

Okay, pal. Now I think you’re passing gas to be funny. The next time I have to mute someone, I’m cracking skulls!

Andrew, I know you changed your screen name to the word, “Reconnecting…” You think you’re so smart, bub, but I wasn’t born yesterday.

Which reminds me, Bender. You will not sleep today. This is no rest home.

And… what in the world? Did you change your background to a screenshot of me? Don’t mess with the Zoom, young man. You’ll get the doom. I just made that up.

Alright wiseguy, nobody needs to see you sharing a screen of your porno folders. Are you through yet, you smug little prick?

You just bought yourself another detention, mister … I'll send you the password.


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