Thank you for calling 911, the nation’s premier emergency response hotline. You’re speaking to an automated response system, and this call may be monitored for quality assurance. Please listen carefully as our options have recently changed.

  • If you are experiencing a fire, press 1 or say “FIRE”
  • If your emergency is of a medical nature, press 2 or say “MEDICAL”
  • If you are currently being murdered, press 3, or scream “MURDER”
  • Para continuar en Español, oprima 4.

I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.

If you are calling from inside a vehicle sinking into a body of water, press 9, and a transcript of your final words will be faxed to an address you provide. If your emergency involves multiple simultaneous threats, such as BEAR ATTACK during WILDFIRE, or HAVING STROKE as MAN WITH GUN APPEARS, please press pound for compound crisis classification.

If you’d like to speak to a human dispatcher, please remain on the line. You are currently FIFTY-SIXTH in the queue. Estimated wait time: NINETY-ONE minutes. To make the wait as pleasant as possible during this imminent threat to your life or the life of a loved one, please select a genre of hold music.

  • For Bossa Nova, press 4 or say “IPANEMA”
  • For adult contemporary, press 5 or say “BUBLÉ”
  • For holiday, press 6, or say “CHRISTMAS BUBLÉ”

I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that. To ensure your emergency meets the minimum threshold for response, press 0. Emergencies rated “non-urgent” will be forwarded to our backlog queue. Currently processing non-urgent events from APRIL 2014.

Pour continuer en Français, appuyez sur 4.

Your estimated wait time is now NINETY-ONE minutes. Stay on the line to receive helpful emergency advice from our AI chatbot. To better prompt the AI-powered assistant, please clearly say the nature of your emergency:

  • For CPR Tips, press 6 or spell “CARDIOPULMONARY RESUSCITATION”
  • For meditation advice if tied up in a car trunk, press 7 or accurately chant “OM NAMAH SHIVAYA”
  • For best practices during an ongoing home invasion, press 9 or say “I’M HIDING IN THE UPSTAIRS BATHROOM.”

It sounds like you’re trying to report an ongoing home invasion. Is that correct? If so, try speaking louder. Say “I’M HIDING IN THE UPSTAIRS BATHROOM” as loud as you can.

Louder.

I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that. Pentru a continua în Română, apăsați 4.

If you would like to upgrade to 911 Premium for shorter wait times during your next crisis, please stay on the line to hear about our subscription tiers, including Emergency+, Emergency Pro, and Emergency Gold with access to the STARZ network, home of the SHAILENE WOODLEY-helmed series THREE WOMEN. If you’d like to upgrade, press star or say “THREE WOMEN STARRING SHAILENE WOODLEY” to enter your credit card information.

All of our automated emergency pathways are currently at capacity. Your estimated wait time is now NINETY-TWO minutes. Your crisis is important to us, and we thank you for choosing 911. Please stay on the line to provide feedback in a brief 30-minute survey. Currently processing survey responses from APRIL 2014.

ដើម្បីបន្តជាភាសាខ្មរ, សូមចុច 4.

If your emergency has resolved itself, press 1 to receive a coupon for 5% off your next ambulance ride.

If you are about to perish, muster your final burst of strength to dial 2.

If you are already dead, please stay on the line.