The idea behind this article, and indeed the inspiration to my entire life, came from the Steven Seagal movie Fire Down Below, and the unusual way in which the film's star treated women only to get quite the favorable response. My fascination in the Seagscience on how to pick up a lady only intensified, so a Seagmarathon was planned. It didn't take long to figure there was a trend in such films: the guy was socially inept, prone to violence, yet always seemed to get the girl. Thinking through other action film star repertoires made me realize that the 90's was actually a very dangerous time to be a woman. So how did such culture influence the way we thought then, and how does it reflect on society today?

Fire Down Below (1997)

Fire Down Below poster"Fire down below" is a euphemism for Marg Helgenberger's crotch from the second she lays eyes upon the man of all men. The story goes that her character, Sarah, is an outcast in a small, quiet hick town (because hicks are such fine judges of character) because her parents died in a fire and those kinds of suspicions never die. She's also unable to stand up for herself because she used to be molested by her brother, the man who overtook the responsibility of being the strong male role model in her life and consequent template to all future lovers. That's when Steven Seagal swings on in to show her a new definition of testicles.

Steven is a conservationist/environmentalist who just so happens to know how to punch through facial cartilage and other obstructions to his fists. He's been sent in to resume the work and avenge the death of his friend, presumed murdered by no one but Steven himself. His friend was investigating pollutants and their effects on the town before Kris Kristofferson (seriously? Why not just go with Bigschlong Balls or Dick McTestes?) had him killed.

Kris has important "city" business to attend to (basically means sticking it to some fine piece of ass he has domesticated in ways men can only dream of—a true sign of his power and virility) and so has his incompetent son and some lackeys keep things in town under control. Steven then manages to roll saving the world, avenging his dead friend, and courting a young, estranged woman all into one effortless activity.

His wooing would get you arrested today, no joke. First he approaches her and she's all like, "Ooooo, no man talks to me so my vagina's wet but I won't let you know I'm going to walk over here now and play hard to catch." To which Steven is all like, "Hmmm yeah, I want to stick it in there but I'm all serious and shit so I'm going to avenge my friend then make sweet love to those damaged goods of yours."

He turns up at her doorstep and insists on fixing her porch despite being told not to, only to do so early in the morning, before she's woken up. Like, at nighttime "early in the morning." He also buys all of her stock from the local store (she's an apiarist), and instead of freaking the fuck out, she softens to such maddened advances.

Steven Seagal in Fire Down Below
"Hi, I metaphorically bought all of your honey so that I could literally stick my dick into your metaphorical honey. We cool?"

What the fuck?

Hard to Kill (1990)

Hard to Kill posterThis film is about a man with enough courage to kneel down in front of a perp (all about the lingo here) who is armed with a knife, only to encourage him to attack. Such balls (and I'm assuming penis) are what attract "foreign" damsel and nurse Kelly LeBrock initially, because when he's in a coma following a gun battle to which he has lost his wife and son, she believes that, not knowing anything about his character, he has everything to live for simply by looking down at his crotch.

Upon waking, telling her someone wants to kill him, and essentially psychologically kidnapping her and having her fear for her life, he still manages to bone her within ten minutes further into the plot's development. A massive cock seems to have been the drive towards her otherwise entirely irrational behavior when she should have bolted the second the chance presented itself (like when he was sleeping several days at a time to recover from his atrophied muscles).

But would today's woman take an emotionally, physically weak man with no money, who'd just lost his wife and kids and whose name she doesn't even know (he's labelled John Doe) to bed when he should be dealing with the emotional trauma of having lost his entire family but instead is thinking of the next best thing?

Such films are the premise of men with enormous penises acting like enormous penises and terrible lovers. I sure hope the burning sensation and crutches were worth it, lady, because such morally unsound practices are what break up marriages. I also hope Steven at least gave you his crutches and helped you sit down to pee as being his nurse I'm sure you did him.

Tripod for video camera
But then why would he need crutches?

Out for Justice (1991)

Out for Justice posterIn Out for Justice Steven Seagal plays a man called Gino Felino. Other than his constantly upraised and upright hand that appraisingly validates everything he's trying to say in nothing but vowels while still kicking ass, there's little else connecting him with the half-foot in underground crime culture his character is supposed to have been brought up in so as to convincingly play a conflicted policeman playing both sides of the fence.

I'm not talking about the Russian mob syndicate, evidently, but for the little personality he brings to the screen his name might as well have been Mustachio the Spicey-a Meatball to give viewers less of a struggle in guesswork.

This artificially shambolic character only has the one authentic trait: being able to break teeth with a pool ball in a sock while carrying a badge. It's unsurprising then that we discover his marriage to be in the gutter. After all, if your significant other has lost touch with the man she fell in love with, maybe there wasn't much to you in the first place, Steven, you crooked, violent psycho.

Well, it turns out that creative weapon design is in fact why she fell in love with him, because throughout most of the film she's angry with him one second and getting aroused by the smell of the blood of his foes on his clothing the next. He's then driving her home and she's craving the sweet loving.

So the moral of Out for Justice is to cling to what you had and persist until your woman realizes that the violent tendencies you had are what have scarred her so much, to the point she's unable to find a man good enough to want to deal with such hysterical emotional baggage.

The film encourages spousal abuse in the form of breaking a woman's kneecaps and making her lubricate enough so that you can find yourself dying once more in her arms. At this point both man and woman's hair is matted by her tears, and your throat is bleeding out through the chunk of flesh she's ripped out for all the life you've drained from her.

But. What. A. Fucking. Climax.

Under Siege (1992)

Under Siege posterFinally, we have the best film Steven's done, barring "Under Siege 2."

The relationship starts off with boobies. Gigantic boobies. But Steven's instinct is to point a gun at them.

Good. He's learning.

Get to know the trouble-with-tits first before:

  1. Assuming you should manipulatively ply her wares so that you can plough her wares,
  2. Anything with a pulse,
  3. Aggro-sex because the foundations to your relationship are very unhealthy.

Next he tells her what's what. The danger is that they're stranded on a boat taken hostage by a rogue Special Forces team. He lays down the law. If she don't obey, she dies. Yes, finally a man I can respect.

Then he protects her throughout the film at his own risk, brings her into his world, and celebrates her womanhood where other men have failed (being a Playboy centerfold, I'm assuming Daddy wasn't around during her upbringing). Good God, man! You truly are deserving of what's coming to you, aren't you.


At the end of the day, my cock is tiny, I don't understand women, and I strongly advocate the banishment of violence towards them; seems to me I'm going to default to Fire Down Below despite clearly admiring the shit out of Under Siege Steven Seagal. The consensus is to manipulate an emotionally fragile woman by doing nice stuff for her I wouldn't otherwise be bothered with some two years into our relationship. Seems like the last twenty years have taught us nothing.

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