Squirrel Police Department dispatch received a call from a squirrel who said he wasn't sure, but it seemed like he was being shadowed by a red-tailed hawk. Dispatch advised the caller that raptors and other predators were outside the department's jurisdiction and recommended getting a life insurance policy from a reputable, squirrel-owned firm.
A caller said they had been mugged by a gang of rats and all of his peanuts were taken. Dispatch told the squirrel that rats were also mammals of the order Rodentia, and because the SPD had a policy of not getting involved in family matters, advised the squirrel work it out with the rats.
A caller said he ate a gummy bear offered by a human in the park, and now he felt woozy and all his friends were laughing at him. Dispatch advised the squirrel not to worry because he wouldn't be high for more than a few hours and to go home to his nest and see what he had to eat in his nut stash.
Dispatch received a call on a domestic disturbance and sent two officers to a tree on 15th Avenue. The officers reported that the female complainant said her husband spent all his time getting drunk on fermented cashews instead of working and she wanted a divorce. Officers advised her to get a lawyer, and she said she had tried, but lawyers didn't accept payment in acorns, not even squirrel lawyers.
A caller said he and his family were tourists from Iowa and had bought tickets from another squirrel for the annual World Peanut Exhibition, but when they got to Madison Square Garden, they found the tickets were a scam. Dispatch advised the tourists that big city squirrels were not be trusted, and to not listen to any trying to sell a tree house, a bridge or oceanfront property.
Dispatch received a call reporting a traffic fatality on East Main Street and sent a Mortuary Operations Response Team. The team reported they were unable to retrieve the deceased due to rush hour traffic, and although some crows offered help in exchange for scavenging rights, the next of kin refused. The team reported later that by the time traffic had eased, there was little left to recover, so when the light turned red, they rushed out and held services and burial in a pothole.
A caller said he was out on a ledge and was going to jump. Dispatch advised caller that squirrels were always out on a ledge or on a power line or something like that. Caller confirmed that, but said this time was different. Dispatch told caller that squirrels' brains weren't complex enough to be that self-aware, and to relax and eat two pistachios and call their therapist in the morning.
A caller said he was being held hostage in a tree by a dog and a human, and dispatch sent a Flying Squirrel Rapid Response Hostage Negotiation Team. After an hour, the team reported reported that diplomatic talks failed due to language barriers, but that they had chattered incessantly, and eventually the human and dog left. The team administered Xanax to the hostage and got them an Uber to their home tree.
Dispatch received a call from an elderly squirrel who said a group of kids were playing on his lawn and their music was too loud. Dispatch reminded caller that he was a wild animal and did not own the house or yard. The caller was annoyed and said he would call the human's 911. Dispatch told the caller that the human 911 didn't have squirrel translators on staff. The caller said human 911 would understand him if he chattered loud enough. Dispatch ended the call.
Dispatch received a call from a mother who said her daughter was barely six months old and was already dating male squirrels she met on Nibblr. Dispatch send two officers who commiserated and gently explained to the mother that nothing could be done because this was simply a case of the birds and bees.
A caller claimed he was starving because an elderly woman replaced her bird feeder with a squirrel-proof model. Dispatch advised the squirrel to quit whining and that he was a wild animal and should act like one and find his own food. The caller replied that that's exactly what his mom said. Dispatch told caller that just maybe his mom was right and reminded caller that this number was only for emergencies.
A pigeon called and reported that a squirrel had rushed in and took her bagel. Dispatch told the pigeon that while it was true that squirrels and pigeons had signed a non-aggression pact, any such dispute would need to involve at least two stolen bagels to justify taking a complaint to the United Nations Security Council.
A caller complained about loud chewing noises in the tree next door that kept him up all night, and the chipmunk landlord wouldn't do anything about it. Officers advised the squirrel he might be able to sue in Small Peanuts Court.