Does your life suck as bad as mine used to? Are you a tool that no one would dare be seen with? Do you show up at parties and stand there talking to no one because you're a creeper? Well, I have a solution for you. You need to stop living in the past and add some style to your life. Some Limp Bizkit style.

There are a few basic rules for being successful, like myself, and many others, for example, our great leader, Fred Durst. You just need to stick to these simple rules and you'll be the life of the party in no time.

Rule #1: Do It All for the Nookie

That's right, losers. If you're not doing it for that preverbal cookie, then what's the point in doing it at all? Make sure everything you do is for pussy. Buying soap? Make sure it makes you smell like hardcore. Going to a club? Well fuck you, you shouldn't be in a club anyway. You pick up bitches off the street or at sick parties your skater friends throw every weekend. And don't you worry about heartache—like Fred Durst says, "My heart will ache either way, Hey, what the hell, Watcha want me to say? I won't lie that I can't deny I did it all for the nookie." Also, anal sex don't cause babies. Remember that.

Rule #2: Break Stuff

Smashed TV
The spirit of Durst has been here. Can you feel it? Yelling in your ear for no particular reason?
Having one of those days? Maybe someone dissed your shit and you're pissed?  Get fired from your job at Burger King? Your girl cheat on you with someone who acts like an actual human being? There's a simple answer. Break stuff. That's right, fuck shit up. Skin someone's ass raw. Get your skateboarder friends and throw a table through that Burger King's window. Punch your girlfriend in the mouth. Be the biggest hick you can be. Everyone will respect you, and in no way think you're a chump. Hey, if it weren't true, would the almighty Fred Durst have ever lived in the Playboy Mansion? No, he would be you, just sitting in your parent's basement beating off to cartoon porn. Fag.

Rule #3: Wear a Red Cap

You must, and I repeat, MUST HAVE A RED CAP TURNED BACKWARDS AT ALL TIMES! If you don't then what do you expect to compliment your white tee, designer jeans and bling? You must be known as a "red cap," or someone who wears the same clothing everywhere they go. If someone tries to diss your threads, remember Rule 2. The most common insult you'll hear is, "Is that the same white tee as yesterday bro?" When this is said, break the nearest object then scream, "They sell'em in ten packs you fucker!" Also remember that using a lot of curse words fucking rocks.

Rule #4: Take'em to the Matthew's Bridge

John Otto once took'em to the Matthew's Bridge. Every year, anyone blessed with Limp Bizkit style must journey to Jacksonville, Florida and jump off the Matthew's Bridge. If you're truly a chosen one or know how to swim, you'll survive the jump and then attend a Jacksonville Jags game with the other survivors; where you'll enjoy some nachos and all the beer you can pay for. Hey, it's just one of the perks of partying like Fred Durst.

Rule #5: Cover a Who Song and Make Out with Halle Berry in the Music Video

Pretty fucking self-explanatory if you ask me, bro.

Rule #6: Situations that Rule 1 and 2 Can't Cover

If you run into a situation where breaking shit and getting pussy doesn't solve your problem, kill yourself. This is a must. When your brain tries to comprehend the fact that violence and sex can't fix something, it explodes, and you die slowly and terribly, which is not, and I repeat, not cool. Your best option is to run into traffic, or just repeatedly hit your self in the head with the nearest blunt object. Trust me, it looks much cooler than convulsing on the ground for an hour.

So you think you can handle it? Getting mass pussy and breaking everything you and your friends own? Can you afford all the tight clothing, actually liking the Jacksonville Jaguars and making out with Halle Berry? Well I hope so, because otherwise you're just "a sucka like I said, fucked up in the head." That's right, Fred Durst thinks you're a tool if you don't do this…and you're not a tool…are you?

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