Welcome to Shit Wars, the next logical step in family home-viewing entertainment! Don't be a fool and miss the gravy train. Shit Wars is a new game show in which contestants shit into translucent toilet bowls for viewers at home to see and judges to score. Contestants can achieve any combination of scores (for instance, mixing The Hitler with The Infinity—good fucking luck), and add them up to become The Shitking, superhot and admired the world over for their creative asshole! If you've got shy butt, play at home by yourself anytime, or against a friend via mobile shit pics!
Below are the currently recognized official shits and their scores.
The Riverbed
Pellets that rest on the bottom. Easy as pie for beginners. 100 points
The Drag Me to My Grave
Long skid marks that rake from the bottom of the bowl to, horrifically, below and out of the judges' sight. Where did it go? 400 points
The Hitler
During particuarly steamy competitions, audience members cool off with free treats.Before the splash, mark two strips just above the waterline with your incoming turd. Of equal shape and area, these skidmarks should point straight down with the sharp-cut discipline of a Nazi uniform. 550 points
The Dead Hitler
Similar to The Hitler except it fans outwards at the bottom, suggesting that its dead-center, straight-and-narrow upkeep has not been prioritized. If you get off the seat and someone notices what's happened before you, their job is to shout, "Hitler is dead! The alliance is victorious! LONG LIVE THE QUEEN!" in which case subtract 100 points. If the reverse happens, your job is to shout, "Hitler is capitulated! I'm with the alliance now! LONG LIVE ZE QUEEN!" for an additional 200 points. 500 points
The Shit Sandwich (With Shit for Bread)
Three perfectly aligned stools. 600 points
The Shit Sandwich (With Shit for a Side)
Three perfectly aligned, one absolutely anywhere. 450 points
The Infinity
Two long strings that wrap around each other in the bowl, like a snake eating its own tail. Or two snakes fucking. 450 points
The Medusa
Like The Infinity but with a lot more snakes. 300 points
The Abortion That Wouldn't Die
A rock-hard log that gets jammed in the bowl like a stick in a dam. 350 points
The Baby I Didn't Want
Like The Abortion That Wouldn't Die, but more bolus shaped, hence even more unusual as to why it won't flush. My advice is to make it so heavy that it can't be shifted by strong currents. 400 points
The TLC
Liquid diarrhea that has been shot in one focused, high-powered stream to give a layered, cascading effect that runs into the bowl. 400 points
The Pony Tail
Like The TLC but splays outwards at the bottom. Extra 100 if the point of contact is a darker shade, transforming The Pony Tail into The Pin the Donkey. 450 points
The Vase
Like The Pony Tail but expanded at the top; might I suggest firing from left to right and working your way down, only to taper the end when you hit the water's mark? It takes practice, but the payoff is the smiles of a thousand children. 550 points
The Acid Trip
Explosive diarrhea that sprays the entire inside porcelain a variety of mind-tripping colors. 200 points
The Berlin Wall
A solid wall of shit that stuffs the bowl. If a judge can clear it with one hand in less than three seconds, it doesn't qualify—don't give up the day job, you fucking amateur. 450 points
The Exorcist
Like The Acid Trip, except nothing but solid shit. 1100 points
The Apocalypse
When the toilet overflows and things start swimming about ankles. Disclaimer: must be ankle deep to qualify. 1000 points
The Zombie Apocalypse
Like The Apocalypse only with undigested, rotting meat in the feces; you might need some sort of colon cancer. I've only ever seen it performed once, in Krakow, at 3 o'clock in the morning. Only five of us left now. 1200 points
The Nutroast (Festive Greetings!)
A meatloaf-log filled with peanuts. Add fifty points for every extra nut variety. 150 points
Any way you look at it, Shit Wars is guaranteed to be a shitshow!
Wishing everybody a very Merry Christmas!
