At Overdone Fitness, we offer the widest and most idiosyncratic range of classes of any chain fitness center with 10 or fewer employees. Our converted basketball half-court serves as ground zero for an explosion of fun-filled exercises endorsed by the private armies of some of the world’s most exclusive dictatorships.
Here’s a rundown of our classes ranked in terms of fewest injuries:
12:00 AM — Midnight Madness Liftathon
This drop-in “class” begins at the stroke of midnight and ends when we officially open five and a half hours later. It’s perfect for stragglers in an impaired state of sobriety, swing shift workers, and people walking on dark streets who feel they’re being followed. We offer absolutely no supervision to inhibit your individualized sense of what’s proper and safe technique. Weights will be scattered throughout the facility for you to lift, sketch, or ignore. Turn off the lights when you’re done, or else stick around for—
5:30 AM — Wake-up and Smell the Sweat
Our trainers promise to arrive for this pre-dawn boot camp class, but if they’re late, an enormous urn of coffee will be wheeled in for maximum consumption. A great class for new moms who have been awake all night and just need a reason to leave the house so as not to do something regrettable.
7:00 AM — Yoga Beyond Limits
If your idea of yoga is a discipline unifying mind, body, and spirit through a series of prescribed positions, you haven’t tried our modern “twist” (get it?) on yogic fun. Led by Grihamani “Gumby” Chakrabarti, you’ll experience the full range of pain and delight by launching into such updated positions as Jammed Telephone Booth, Clown Car, and Kiss One’s Own Ass. All levels are welcome, although participants are grouped by body mass index, so that impossibly fit and flexible people don’t have to look at chubbies.
10:00 AM — Aqua Aerobics With Bernice
Our own beloved Bernice will lead the class in the swimming pool’s shallow end in resistance training exercises, such as leg lifts and flutter kicks. You won’t be doing any of that. Instead, you’ll stand behind a one-way mirror laughing at people who think that this is a form of exercise. Fact: a half-hour of hearty laughter burns more calories than one hour of aqua aerobics.
12:00 PM — TRXYY
This TRX class is designed especially for men with an extra Y chromosome. In addition to the usual equipment, the club provides speed bags, heavy bags, and an attack dog trainer in a bite suit.
2:00 PM — Hauling Furniture
At our only off-premises class, you’ll get a full afternoon of exercise moving sofas up flights of stairs and carrying armoires through narrow hallways. Your instructor, Vinnie, will hand you a slip of paper with the address before going on his coffee break. We provide the truck and driver. You provide the muscle. Remember to smile because a tip could be in your future. Note: all gratuities must be shared equally with Overdone Fitness.
4:00 PM — Nothin’ But Burpees
The title says it all: dozens of variations on the basic burpee until you’re ready to puke. A typical sequence may include burpees while someone is clinging to your back, burpees using only one arm and one leg, and burpees plus a slap in the face.
5:00 PM — #MeToo Kickboxing
What makes this class special is the motivational video playing in a continuous loop featuring accused sexual harassers, including Harvey Weinstein, Charlie Rose, Matt Lauer, Les Moonves, R. Kelly, Roy Moore, Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, and we could go on and on.
6:00 PM — Shame-Shame Motivational Class
For a different type of motivational class, try one using an old technique that has enjoyed a recent revival based on a scene from Game of Thrones. If you fail to meet the goals set randomly by our personal trainers, you’ll be marched naked (except for mud splashed on you) through a crowd of angry strangers in our Workout Enthusiasm Readjustment Room. During these sessions, our no-video rule is sometimes strictly enforced.
7:00 PM — Silent Exercise
Perhaps the only class in any fitness studio anywhere without a soundtrack blasting beat-heavy music. The instruction is purely via pantomime. The only sound you’ll hear is collective grunting and the voice in your head asking why you’re still a gym member.
8:00 PM — Roomba Zumba
Has Zumba become routine for you? Then try this class. The gimmick here is that you’ll attach a Roomba vacuum cleaner to each foot and go wherever they go, as you slide to Latin tunes. It’s a complete cardio workout and a great way of giving back to Overdone Fitness by cleaning the club for other members.
9:00 PM — Hot Lava Yoga
End your workout day with a soothing yoga session at our hot lava studio. A fire-resistant net is the only thing between you and a river of white-hot lava, while you perform a series of one-leg poses designed to improve your balance and connectedness to Mother Earth. Until management fixes the door lock, please wedge something like a gym shoe in the door to avoid locking yourself in the soundproof lava room. Thank you.