By contributing writer Jim Fox

No doubt that if you’re in college, you’ve had a roommate. Roommates are a huge responsibility, like a dog, or a boa constrictor, or a boa constrictor that eats your dog. In a way, roommates are like spouses. You just end up invading each other’s space, interrupting masturbation and, oh, you can forget about sex (as I’m told by TV married couples). Unless, of course, that sex is with another person.

Which brings me to my point: What do you do when your roommate is having sex while you’re in the room? The answer: evacuate immediately. This does not apply to times when you’re drunk and can just pass out. Also, these are best used for the loud, rough sex situations, none of that pussy sex (pussy sex, ha). These are for those Tuesday night, rough sober sex sessions (girlfriends are such whores). There are two scenarios to cover, and each has elaborate escape routes.

Top Bunk Evacuation RoutesEscape from the Top Bunk

The Swan Dive

Bear in mind I’ve never actually seen a swan go diving, but I think I get the general idea. Stealthily prepare yourself for the dive like you’re about to jump off the public pool’s diving board in a way meant to penetrate the top layer of children’s piss as fast as possible. Jump! Be sure to land on your head, because the best way to escape without awkwardness on both sides is to blackout from the pain or die instantly. Don’t worry, they’ll call an ambulance after they’re done.

Escape for Men
If all else fails, bathe yourself in cologne until you drift into a happy place.

In the midst of all the excitement, don’t forget the one golden rule: DON’T HIT THE GODDAMN CEILING! You’ll only end up landing on your ass instead of your head and the two having sex on the bottom bunk will laugh at you. Have you ever been laughed at by two ugly people having sex? Do you want to be?

The Tarzan

As you may have guessed, this involves using a bed sheet as a makeshift vine and attempting to swing your way to freedom. Don’t get your hopes up, though, this will almost certainly fail. You will end up landing face-first on the floor. So what do you do? Play dead. That’s right, just like the time your grandma started telling you a story about being Dutch-ovened by your grandpa (am I the only one?). Wait for them to finish up and call an ambulance. When they go down to get the paramedics, get up and maintain your composure. Proceed to sit at the computer and look up porn. When the paramedics get to your room with your roommate and his girlfriend in tow, look at them like they're crazy. Because, what the fuck, you didn’t know masturbation would ever get you hospitalized.

Bottom Bunk Evacuation RoutesEscape from the Bottom Bunk

This could be terrible. If you stand up, your eyes will be at the exact height of the top bunk, and you don’t want to see that shit. Two words my friends:

Tuck and Roll

Just like you would exit a moving vehicle or a stolen wheelchair on a steep hill, so must you exit your bed. Check to make sure that you won’t get entangled in your bed sheets, like a drunken college student trapped in a Japanese fishing net. Again, this could end up with two ugly people having sex and laughing at you at the same time, worst experience of my….your life. Don’t stop rolling once you hit the floor. There aren’t any moving vehicles to dodge this time (unless you live on the first floor). Continue rolling until you hit the door, window, or whatever else you can use to escape. Get up and dizzily reach for the door, but accidentally fall right back on your bed instead. Repeat.

Too Awkward to Continue

Casually crawl out of bed and head towards the computer. Play a porno from your collection at high volume (you know you have it, just do it). They’ll be a little weirded out but don’t worry, the best is yet to cum. Start making comments as casually as possible that compare your porno to their poor excuse for sex. Comments like, “Dude, [roommate’s name], this guy's penis is like twice as big as yours. How do you even live with yourself?” And, “Look, this guy doesn’t cuddle afterwards, he just goes out and finds another midget slut. You’re such a pussy.” Both should do just fine. Be creative. Have fun. Bring out your PIC side.

Initially, these techniques are only to be used on a short-term basis, but you can easily turn them into permanent solutions. Don’t be afraid to mix and match. Run the “Too awkward to continue” gag and follow up immediately with a “Swan dive.” This is great because you have to climb up to where your roommate is actually having sex to perform the stunt (assuming you chose the “too awkward” because you were on the bottom bunk). And hell, falling on your ass won’t even be a loss. You’ll still be awake and concussion-free to perform a third. Go wild, go crazy, and good luck—at least it's less cliché than going to the hospital for alcohol poisoning.