Let’s face it, sports isn’t your thing. You don’t know a pigskin from a pig in a blanket. The Super Bowl is on the horizon, or so you've been told, and it seems to have importance. Now you aren’t sure if it’s more important to sit through this “football” game or rearrange your sock drawer.
Don’t despair! Take this quiz and find out.
1. Are you stuck at the airport?
It’s time to invest in the Super Bowl! This is a much needed distraction to your travel delays due to “mechanical malfunction” and besides all the outlets are being taken by that one guy who has his phone, computer, tablet, and whatever the hell else needs charging! Muster up some courage and head to the airport bar for some game time. Just root for whatever team the people there seem to be cheering for! Go TEAM.
Good for you, glad your travel plans are on schedule. Some of us don’t have a choice but to fly Spirit Airlines. Oh, what’s that, you are a Delta Double Diamond Medallion so you can stay in the lounge? That’s cool, people watching and listening to babies scream is something we enjoy doing so whatever, it’s not like we are jealous.
2. Does your office have a money pool worth over $500?
Get invested NOW! That’s some tax free money you can spend on new socks that highlight your “personality.” Carolyn is collecting the $20 buy-in and we all know how meticulous Carol can be, so you’re going to have to prove you belong. Work around those computer firewalls and Google “Super Bowl” and start memorizing random facts and even who’s refereeing this year’s event. If necessary, write some notes on your phone and appear as if you’re casually scrolling through pictures of those cool socks you own while answering Carolyn’s questions.
Well first and foremost, thanks a lot. Now we can’t have any kind of fun because you went and asked whether this was legit and okayed via HR. I mean, seriously, isn’t it bad enough that we work in these gray cubicles day in and day out? A respite from the mundane is all we’re asking. Besides, some of us have to pay for our twins’ braces this year.
3. Do you enjoy well-crafted commercials?
You are the person who watches the Clio Awards! The Super Bowl has so many commercials jammed in between random footage of grown men hitting each other over and over! Trust us, you’ll have so much to discuss with your friends at your annual Clio get together, if you actually attend this year. After all, that sock drawer isn’t going to rearrange itself.
Are you American? Commercialism and consumerism is what makes America… America.
What do you mean you don’t own a television? Do you even eat Doritos? Do those socks you are wearing have a hammer and sickle on them?
4. Would you rather watch The Tonys, Oscars, or Emmys?
Great! Obviously you like awards, and the Super Bowl is the ultimate award. In fact, there’s a thing called the ESPY, which is also an award show, but for sports! If you start pretending to like sports and football now, then you’ll have an invitation to this award’s gathering so you can parTAY later!
You don’t like sports or the arts? We don’t even know what to do with that information. What do you do with your time? Oh, that’s right… sock collection.
5. Do you have a new boyfriend who is obsessed with sports?
You better start pretending now. In fact, find out what team he’s rooting for by asking him to scream their name while he climaxes, and then go buy a licensed jersey, hat, lacey bra, and of course a fine pair of socks because he’s going to find you SO hot for being into HIS Super Bowl team.
How come you aren’t dating? You’re not getting any younger, you know. You might have to settle for something less than you expected. It could be the amount of time you focus on your sock collection. Seriously, two large drawers devoted to fun, wacky socks? Consider changing your personality so you can actually go on a date.