Hey, you remember me, right? Prometheus? The classic, not the modern. You know that little thing, oh, what's it called, uh, fire? The shiny stuff that happens to wood? Good, you've heard of that. That was me. I stole that for you.

You're probably wondering what I've been up to. Well, funny thing, actually. I've been bound to a rock while crows eat my flesh anew every morning. Kind of a 2022 mood, right? Like they say, another day, another liver.

There is something that's been, uh, getting under my skin, if you will. Besides the crows. It's about fire. I know this sounds funny coming from me, but you people are a little too into fire. You could stand to cool it. So to speak.

I didn't think I had to say this, but fire's supposed to be a pretty thing you look at sometimes. Like a lava lamp, but it can kill you. A subtle hint that maybe, just maybe, this is a sometimes treat, not a something to, oh I don't know, build a society around.

That doesn't mean you never use it. A campfire? Great idea! A torch? Sure, I guess. You can do a torch. Candles? Getting a little weird, but you do you.

But, uh, let's talk about pottery. You're taking dirt and putting it into fire. Dirt doesn't need to be in fires. Dirt is meant for the ground. That's where it goes. And I know some of you will say “Oh, it's practical; it makes the dirt hard!” But, uh… dirt that's hard? They already made that. It's called rocks.

And if that were all, I'd be chill. Sometimes you just feel like a hot dirt. But you know what you've been doing. For Pete's sake, you've been putting food in fire?

This should be a no-brainer. Fire burns food. Burning is like, fire's whole thing! And sure, you can go to a special food-in-fire school and learn “cooking” so you can put the food in the fire without burning it. But you know how else you could avoid burning food? Not putting it into a fire. How do you miss that?

Oh, and don't get me started on metal. It's a nice name, but let's be honest. It's rocks. You've been putting rocks in fire. You know what that is? Kinda weird! That's a weird thing to do! And you know how I know it's kinda weird thing? Because it doesn't even work. You have to make secret double fire with charcoal first or nothing even happens, because, and hear me out here, rocks aren't meant to be put in fire!

But okay. You put rocks in secret fire. I don't know why, but you did. And what do you make with your fancy burned rocks? I'll tell you: stoves, cars, airplanes. Things with fire inside them! It's always fire with you people! You just cannot stand to not be able to burn something. You even made “steam engines” that burn water. Water is the opposite of fire! Babies know this!

I can't name a single thing you people don't put in fire. Powder that explodes when fire touches it? Put it in fire, make a few holidays about it. Sand? Put it in fire, stick it in your wall and look through it. Other humans? Sure, as long as they're witches or Chicago that one time. Ancient dead dinosaur slime you found in some rocks? Fire. So much dead dinosaur slime it causes a climate catastrophe? Pile it on!

Do me a favor: next time you get a chance, light a fire somewhere. Look at it. Enjoy it. DON'T put anything in it. Just once. For me.

I'm glad you like my gift. It's very flattering. But please, learn some restraint. You know, before you become a raging force that spreads without limit and destroys everything it touches.

You know, like some kind of… one of those raging things. It'll come to me.