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If they say something like, "Nice cowboy hat, asshole," pretend you didn’t hear—even though you're the only asshole wearing one.
Do not stay on the toilet for extended periods. By minute three or four you’re risking a nasty bite.
You will now need to submit a request through a new app called “Ayyy” where you can send Lorenzo an “Oooo” request which will generate a ticket.
Like our CEO wrote in his “Daily Wake-Up” email, all of our cubicles can be temples of productivity.
"Be hip to the fact that your mains won’t be served at the same time. Of course, they could be, but they won’t be."
Would you rather spend 25% of your paycheck on Everlane’s "Sims 2 Fall/Winter ‘23 collection” or trompe l'oeil mascara onto your face with a free Zoom filter?
I think about the cold draft that likely billows through her hallways at night as I sit in this suffocating summer heat.
When Paul cried as a child, and his tears created the Great Lakes, it was because of me, the bunion pressing in on his other toes.
What, you’re surprised? Remote lairs and underground redoubts do not pay for themselves.
If there was ever a year for you to slip through and get this relatively prestigious residency, it would have been this one.
Please describe how you felt after reading the disclaimer, “You’re right—you are getting these ads more often than anyone else. Everyone knows this and is talking about it.”
"Take thy breakfast and cast it before Dad, and it shall become a mess upon the floor.” And Child and Toddler did as the LORD commanded.