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I'm Vice Principal Rudd. Welcome to Porter Potter Elementary School's annual Spring Thing Carnival, honoring the founding father of our fair city, the inventor of the PortoPotty.
I walk into a bathroom and I don't know if I should pull, push, pump, squeeze, crank, press, lift, tap, turn, spin—it's a goddamn guessing game! Here's the solution.
"When you get to the fork in the road, take it... then you'll find the feline and put a putty knife through its brain stem." This is the Yogi Berra you never knew.
It's hard enough to cook Indian food that tastes good, but to follow up a lousy meal with a gassy pole dancing class in front of real strippers just adds insult to injury.
These days it seems that respect is out the window in arguments for the sake of cleverly tearing your opponent's anus out with witty one-liners. Turns out you suck at them.
Fat stoners are funny in stoner comedies and in line at Taco Bell, but they aren't good roommates. Here's what to expect if you make the terrible decision to live with one.
If Obama-nation thinks he can be a dictator in the U.S. he's got another thing coming. We'll be right there to stop him. You and me, and our right to bare arms.
To a man, nothing is hotter than the idea of a woman who wants nothing more than to devour him, along with the guarantee that she's going to swallow.
This year we've picked a somewhat daunting monster to find attractive. As walking corpses, zombies tend not to be included very often when erotic fantasies come to mind.
The average male has no idea that a stent removal will be the most painful, emotionally scarring experience in their life. All the best to you and your penis, sir.
Oceans, as far as I was concerned, are considered full speed ahead. Open the floodgates. Yellow is mellow. Before you know it, a wave will dissipate the concern anyway.
Babies are the worst. But now you accidentally have one (please say it wasn't on purpose), and I'm here to help you deal with the screaming little poop factory.