Aren't babies just the worst? That's not a rhetorical question (even though we all know the answer), I actually want you to say it out loud. Did you say it? I mean, you should, because if you're going to read a "how to" guide and the very first thing you do is disregard the very first thing the guide tells you to do, then I don't feel like we can get along very well.

So you said it? Good. Babies are the worst.

But now you have one, and need help dealing with the screaming little poop factory. That's what I'm here for. To help you deal with all of this. Did you know that the average cost of raising a baby to the age of eighteen is around $200,000.00? Wow, that's a lot of zeros. I didn't even know there were that many zeros. And that's a lot of money. But do you know a big part of what's making that number so big?

Have sex with the mom in front of the baby. That way, the baby doesn't get any funny ideas. Oh, you suck on these? Me too.Food. Kids and babies eat a lot of food. And why wouldn't they? They don't have souls, so in place of that, for the moment, they have a boiling, puss-filled, gaping hole that leads to oblivion. It's next to the pancreas. I am not a doctor.

So how can we cut back on food costs? Buy in bulk? Get off-brands? Hunt? Teach them to steal bread from widows? Teach them to hunt?! And bam, just like that, I saved you some money. Dress your baby like Rambo (or better yet, name him Rambo), give him a shotgun, prop him up against a tree (he probably can't stay upright on his own just yet, after all), and you just saved yourself some money. I don't know how much because I don't know how much food costs. I should ask someone.

You may have noticed that I don't know a lot of things. That's a fair observation. But have you considered that fuck you? Exactly. The thing is, I'm usually far too busy screaming at cats and making my parents cry to do anything like learn words. So more often than not, I push over cows and then throw squirrels at them.

So how does this qualify me to tell you how to take care of a baby?

While I may not have what some people would call "proper training" or "experience" in the matter, I am, however, "legally insane." My microwave was made by alien sex slaves. But most importantly I have spent my life actively training for the day when I could write a guide about babies for the internet. And I have done this by never actually being around a baby. Won't do it.

Friends ask me to watch their kid? I threaten to feed it cayenne pepper and honey. Someone has a baby at the store? I have a knife at the store, and they leave. Too many babies in the maternity ward? More like too many maternity wards in the have I mentioned how insane I am yet?

Babies are sticky, smell bad, and there's something off about their arms. They just don't look right, you know? So I obviously don't want anything to do with them. But since you wound up with one for some reason, you probably want some help raising the damn thing. And I'm going to help you.

Sit back down and keep reading. I am an excellent shot.


Naming the Little Bastard

Leopard dog tagAlright, first thing you need to do is figure out a label for the thing, so that way you know who specifically to curse as you shout your woes to the heavens above after downing a12-pack of Busch (also, in this example, you have terrible taste in beers).

So what is it, a boy or a girl?

Do you want to know the truth? It doesn't really matter!

People will probably never check to see what gender the thing is! I mean, for one, when's the last time society actually took the time to notice what genitals someone was hauling around? I can use the women's restrooms whenever I want. And second, it is your kid, after all. Even once it's grown up, no one's going to want to have sex with the damned thing. So really, gender specific names don't matter.

Some "studies" by "scientists" have come to the conclusion that giving your kid a special and unique name will lead to a lot of bullying in school, and possibly mental issues stemming from that fact. You know what I say to that?

Bullying only makes them stronger.

You need your kids to know how to throw down by the time they hit double digits. So screw it, bullying could be awesome! They need to fight! Maybe chuck 'em into a couple of unlicensed Muay Thai kickboxing matches while you're at it! And as for the mental issues, would a kid named T-Rex Velocimaster really care about his aggressive brain damage? Haha! I don't know the answer to that!

But you need a good name. A strong name. Shotgun. Shotgun is a strong name. Name your child Shotgun. Do it.

But if you don't, here's a list of other acceptable names:

  • Pierre Manslapper
  • Titpunch Steelstomper
  • Dragon Bastard
  • Candy Veinbulger
  • Bacon Revenge O' Tron
  • Turbo
  • The Thing I Shot Out Of My Crotch
  • AAAAHHHH!!!! AAAAAHHHH!!!!
  • Get Me a Beer (saves time)
  • Kraz-Ukluthu
  • Hogarth Giantdiesel
  • Pneumatic Bitchslap
  • Anger Fuckauger
  • Apollyon: Lord Of Flies

Pick one of those, and the kid will be just fine.

Probably.

A lot of people and the voices in my head ask me, "Cole, put the gun down! Jesus, why are you naked?" And to that I respond, "Choosing the right kind of diaper is just as important as any other baby-raising decision!"

And so logically you have to find the right kind of piece of whogivesacrap to cover your baby's ass with.

There are many different kinds to choose from, usually in the families of reusable and disposable, and each one offers their own particular sets of pros and cons and now that we've decided that paper bags are the best kind of diaper, we should learn how to change a diaper.

Oh God, I just watched a video on how to do this. I was just going to tell you whatever the video said but oh god so much poop. It, it's just…I mean…why, how…why is it black?! Okay, screw this game. Every time your baby craps, just stick another diaper on it. It's the opposite of what they're expecting, build outwards!

Pro Tip: Babies' heads are pretty soft for a while. Do you remember that scene in Ghost? You should mold your baby's head into a vase while you bone Demi Moore!

Establishing Dominance Over the Baby

Father yelling at his little girl in the cornerYour baby will one day grow to hate you. So you have to hate it even harder! The best way to throw things at your baby is with fists. If this is all starting to sound like a bad translation of some Asian version of Maury, then congrats! You figured out that I can't read TV!

Making sure the baby knows that you're the one in charge of the house is very important. If it doesn't know this, then it might begin to use its brain to think. Maybe try turning the heat off in its room for a few days, while occasionally whispering curse words under the door. Then, once you turn the heat back on, the baby will worship you as Thu-Zhulias, the fire god. And in all honesty, isn't that what you wished everyone called you?

But really, establishing the fact that you control this little, little sack of poop (it poops so much) and its future is important for the child's future. If he doesn't listen when you tell him to keep his nail clippings in jars, then how the hell will he ever buy beer on Mars?

Maybe have sex with the mom in front of the baby. That way, the baby doesn't get any funny ideas. Oh, you suck on these? Me too.

The baby will probably be crying, just… all the time around you. I don't know why. So much crying. Maybe try leaving him unattended in a bathtub while you play FarmVille. This will not only teach him that you stopped caring, it will also verse him in good hygiene and making toast (leave toasters around the bathroom—make sure they're plugged in!).

Pro Tip: Gas stations look flammable.


How to Profit Off of Your Baby

Baby covered in advertisementsWhat? They may be completely useless life-stealers and dreamkillers (playing pro football is now your childhood dream) but that doesn't mean that someone with a fetish won't pay for little bits of their skin.

Also, have you considered modeling or acting? Did you know you can't write checks for a baby? Where would they cash them? A baby bank? Did you know that's not even a thing that exists? Ha!

So logically any income a baby accrues would logically go right into your pocket. But be sure to move the logically fish out of the way first. Logically.

Remember those diapers we talked about buying? Did you know that those are pictures of babies on those? Like, actual, non-robot (in most cases) babies. And in some cases people will pay to take pictures of your half-naked baby! Sometimes those people even want to put those pictures on diaper crates! (Note that I am unsure what type of packaging diapers actually come in.) Pedophiles exist!

Pro Tip: Cover yourself in honey and punch bees!


Picking Outfits for Your Baby

Sweater vests. Don't ask. Just do it.

Pro Tip: No. I mean it. Sweater vests.


Existing in This World with Your New Bag of Sin

Stroller abandoned in the middle of the streetOr less depressingly, getting around with your baby day to day, outside of your home!

You know all of those diaper changing stations in bathroom stalls? Well it turns out that you can use those to do things other than snorting hash! I know, right?! Like, you can set your baby on them while you poop! How convenient!

Strollers are constructed by the ticks that make my brain bleed. You should leave your baby unattended in a Waffle House. Go try their bathrooms out!

If you have to have a stroller instead of just sort of tossing your baby at places you want to go, you should get one that defies gravity in the most logical ways. Maybe try taping magnets to it so it will follow cars and save you the strain of pushing the baby around. If that seems dangerous then you clearly have never had a baby before. Because I can't be near children in most states.

Public transit is dangerous. So bring your baby to ward off lesser demons; they are not fond of its screams, and neither are people. Please dear God if you're going to be on a bus or an airplane for more than twelve minutes, then just stick the kid in a bag or some shit. Just because you've learned to tune out the crying doesn't meant that I won't tune you out of existence.

Also, most people make way and give up seats for people carrying babies, so I guess that's a perk.

Pro Tip: The environment is in danger. Do your part by frisbee golfing with hubcaps.

Speaking of crying…


Oh, Oh God…It, It's Crying Again, How Do I Make It Stop? Please Dear God Stop It

Okay, it's bawling. You probably screwed up. I mean, if we're talking black and white numbers here, the raw data says that you probably messed something up. Did you put screws in the crib? They fall apart when you forget that. Babies don't like that.

Okay…maybe it shit itself? I mean, whenever I shit myself in public, I just break down crying too. So, umm, do that diaper thing that I don't wanna talk about. Yeah, right. That.

Still bitchin', huh? Well, maybe…uh…wad up some paper towels and put them in its mouth? Is that illegal?

Probably. But why let the man stop you now? I mean, hell, you already tattooed the damn thing, may as well go whole hog with the "breaking the baby laws" thing. Keep right at it.

Or hard liquor. Knocks me right the hell out. Pour bourbon in your baby's eyes. It's the fastest way to absorb alcohol that isn't a butt thing. Trust me. I've run the numbers.

If it wakes up and it's still crying, try and teach it some independence. Leave it next to a dumpster. Not in a dumpster though. That would be irresponsible.

One time I saw a lady beat the shit out of her baby's back. It threw up, which was gross, but it stopped crying and oh my God you have a gun that shoots vomit… terrorize your enemies! Hahahahaha!

Pro Tip: Things that leak can often be fixed with duct tape and cat hair. It doesn't have to be your cat.


Toxins and Your Baby

Baby and bleach bottleAre two things that people-who-science claim don't mix.

But don't you want your baby to have superpowers?

This may seem to be a direct conflict with the previous chapter on establishing dominance over your baby, but for one, continuity isn't really a thing that I fully grasp, and for another, holy crap wouldn't it be awesome if your baby was The Hulk?

So what kinds of toxins should I expose my baby to?

Well, I don't know. I don't have a whole lot of toxins or babies lying around to test the theory, but the last time I drank bleach, I felt like I was super aware of the fact that I should not have drunk bleach. So, mathematically, bleach equals Daredevil….so don't drink bleach.

Now, what you need to get ahold of is a bunch of radiation. Try and get a lot of radiation and throw it at your baby. Radiation is what makes superheroes, after all.

Now, your child is going to develop several very aggressive tumors.

Once the superpowers start kicking in, you will be given legal permission to ride your flying Ultra-Infant to the moon to mine for souls of…wait…did I just say something about tumors? Oh man…I did…seems really out of place though. I don't think your baby will get tumors, but if it does take them off and feed them to your baby, it might be radiation trying to escape. And are you going to take some shit from radiation? Hell no!

But in all seriousness I don't think that radiation is harmful. Did you know that your fire alarms have a radioactive element in them? See? That's how science works. I just scienced that radiation prevents fires. Fuck you, Smokey, that shit isn't just on me anymore.


Feeding Your Baby

Shit! Shiiit! I almost forgot this part! Holy crap that would have been bad. Your baby totally needs food. Regular feedings are important. What do they eat? Fuck if I know. Do I look like I have access to that information? Screw you.

Maybe cake. Everyone likes cake. Or mussels. They're hard to open and really chewy. Your baby will probably choke on mussels. Do not feed them to your baby.

My carpet is stroking me in a manner suggesting that babies like milk.

Bullshit.

…oh…wait…no…hold on a second…yeah, babies totally drink milk. My bad.

It's got nutrients and whatnot.

I'm also reading something here about breastfeeding…that seems kind of inappropriate at this age…but whatever I guess some people are into…wait…hold on…one second…OH! OH HOLY SHIT! WHOA! SO THAT'S WHAT BOOBS ARE FOR! Wow! I didn't know they actually did anything. Oh man, that actually makes a lot of sense. Italics are awesome!

So that's why my mom shoved her boobs in my face: food. That makes last Wednesday so much less awkward now. I should thank her.

So yeah, ladies, go ahead and slap your chest kittens around your child's face. Google says it's for totes cool.

So…uh…I guess keep doing that until the whole hunting thing I mentioned earlier starts to take, and they can get their own food.

…man…boobs are weird.

Pro Tip: Angelic eyes water synapses forever. The moon is bass. Don't snort road flare ashes.

* * *

And so in conclusion I would make an excellent father. But those damn arms. Am I right? So yeah, kids are still just the worst. When your kid is old enough to read, I want you to write that in blood on his walls every night before he goes to bed. Maybe wear a pig mask while you do it.

Look at me still trying to dole out helpful tidbits even in the closing segment of this wonderful, totally legitimate baby-doing-things-stuff-guide-thing. I'm just so stone-sodomizingly generous. Screw you, spellcheck. That is a word now.

If you have any questions that for some reason aren't answered in this thoughtful, totally age appropriate guide, then I can conclude that you are a witch, and must be purged in fire.

Haha! But no, seriously, if you're a witch then you can probably just magic yourself up some answers.

Harlot.

Much of the information you see here is just words, and really, aren't all words? If you're questioning me, you clearly haven't figured out words yet.

The road ahead of you is going to be hard, but just remember to be harder! I don't really know what that means. Send me money.

But no, really, I should probably end this with something inspirational, like, always follow your dreams, or, does a bear shit in the woods? There, those words of wisdom will invariably guide down the path of righteousness in your eternal quest to find and kill Glilda, Domon Witch of the Damned.

Good luck, and friggin' babies.

You know?

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