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Welcome, everyone, to the North Jersey Chapter of Assholes Anonymous. Before we begin, please take this opportunity to make sure your cellphones are ON.
Thirty years after the deluge of college advice to "network network network," I conclude that networking is overrated, intractable, and something to be avoided.
Following my male cat's attempt to have sex with his sister, I realized that the real problem is endemic to the culture of rape in which he, and all cats, live.
Any knuckle-headed crook worth his weight in salt knows better than to fall for the classic good cop/bad cop routine. That's when I come in: tired, horny cop.
The majority of scientists are deeply corrupted by their associations with for-profit institutions. I, on the other hand, have three important independent findings to share.
If you're not a seasoned veteran of the Twitter streets then some of these girls' tweets might be hard to decipher. Here's a guide for beginners.
At the Deep-Seated Mentality Driving School, we pride ourselves on initiating drivers how low their brethren can sink, and how they must be prepared for the worst.
Gone are the days when "fuck" was socially shocking. My generation has even started to use these words as sentence filler, as if they were the new "uh" or "um."
I don't understand the concept of the handicap in golf. The more you suck, the more strokes you can deduct? What if I can't play at all? Do I automatically win?
When selecting a truck, always remember the golden rule: the bigger, the better. This rule will apply to almost everything we talk about, other than your tank top.
The world has wept for Cecil the Lion. But what about Thurgood, my overfed Siamese fighting fish? My friend left him to die and certainly this deserves as much attention.
A terrified young virgin will be forcibly restrained while her heart is ripped, still beating, out of her chest, while she endures an unimaginably gruesome demise!