Oh man, the first thing you're gonna need is a truck.
1. When selecting a truck, always remember the golden rule: the bigger, the better.
This rule will apply to almost everything we talk about, other than your tank top.
What you want to do is head to the nearest car dealership and find a truck that looks like it can handle itself in the mud. This truck should not be brand new, but it shouldn't have any “vintage charm” either. You want something that's about 2-5 years old.
2. The sound system is your top priority.
Think WWSAH (What Would Steve Aoki Have).
3. As far as appearance goes, remember: NO COLOR.
You want black or grey, none of those red or yellow pansy colors.
4. Get tires that are roughly half the size of your body.
If you go any bigger you'll appear to be trying too hard, and you do not want that.
5. If you need help acquiring funds for your sweet whip, here are a few options:
- Do DJ work on the side.
- Become a personal trainer.
- Beat up people smaller than you.
- Record a country song.
- Promote your local CrossFit.
These are all great options that I'm sure you've considered doing in the past anyway. Now is the time to step up to the plate and go for it!
And before you start driving that new ride, you need an outfit. We'll start at the bottom and make our way up…
Your shoes should have the same amount of puff as a brand new pillow.
You want name brand for sure. Colors can vary, but make sure there's more than one on there; you don't want to look like an idiot. The other option is, of course, cowboy boots. Either way, just be ready to drop some fat coin on the kicks, ya dig?
Now for your legs.
You have the choice of being completely or halfway covered for those. If you're going the pants route, you want to have a faded jeans look. A first day pair of pants should look a minimum of six months old. If you can find some with tears, or want to get creative and cut your own, more power to you. Just be sure no skin shows, and that only the white thread from within the pants is exposed. (This is crucial.)
Shorts are a different story. There is a bit more variety, but I would suggest dark colors with an uncomfortable fabric, something that makes an unsettling noise if a fingernail is dragged across it.
Next you need a shirt to cover at least a little top.
Your torso is covered by a wildcard. I say this because the rules that apply to your shirt are so opposite of almost everything else. You want the brightest color, and the smallest thing that you can get your upper body through. This should accent those sweet CrossFit muscles you've been working on.
Last but certainly not least, you need headgear.
You absolutely must wear sunglasses and a hat. Be sure that your glasses stay on for most of the time. The hat's bill should always be facing behind you, and the logo should be of a team from a big city you are probably not from (i.e. Los Angeles, Chicago, New York). If it's not flat-billed, you might as well take that new truck and drive it as fast as you can into a wall, because you're useless.
Once you have completed all of these requirements, you're ready to tear up the pavement!
While driving, make sure you have a complete understanding that you are the most important driver on the road, and that every single other person out there is an idiot in your way. You have a right to crush other drivers whenever you please, but because of your care for people and overall sensitive and sympathetic personality, you will not. Don't be afraid to give yourself a little pat on the back when you decide not to kill strangers with your vehicle; you deserve it.
Parking spaces are merely a suggestion. If you need to take up more than one, or crowd the space on either side, go for it! Everyone else will understand.
Always drive fast, especially in parking lots and neighborhoods. The more heads you can turn while loudly speeding away the better. This shows that people desire to see you and look at you because you are cool and important.
Once you have completed all of the steps listed above, you should be an expert driver. Congratulations on your life and good luck to you! Enjoy the complementary Kid Rock CD that came with this packet, and we will see you on the road!