I started MostlyWater for one simple reason. I wanted to provide people of all skin types and genders with high quality, all natural alternatives for their personal care and beauty needs. I’m proud to say that today, what started out as a humble Etsy shop with a single sheet mask for sale has rapidly grown into a line of handcrafted skincare products that are vegan, sulfate-free, and 100% not a front for my uncle’s arms trafficking ring.

Time really does fly! It feels like only yesterday that I was being escorted out of Walgreens for slipping samples of our rejuvenating sheet mask into the Burt's Bees case. But of course, I haven’t done that in weeks.

I believe that natural beauty should only be enhanced with natural ingredients, which is why MostlyWater products contain only organic plant-based materials. That means no phthalates, no parabens, no cruelty, and absolutely zero connection to any missing anti-tank rifles you may have read about.

They’re also recyclable!

At MostlyWater, we have a simple mission, a singular vision, and no ulterior motives whatsoever. In addition to our signature rejuvenating sheet mask (no longer available at Walgreens), we now offer four hydrating face creams that are basically all the same but smell slightly different, a bar of CBD soap, some aloe in a jar—and as of this morning—one prohibitively expensive plumping serum that I dreamed up with the help of my uncle’s lawyer, Mitch.

While I’ve worked hard to ensure that all of our other skincare products are priced accessibly at forty dollars or below, our proprietary new plumping serum (patent pending) costs sixty-five hundred dollars a bottle, is already sold out, and will unfortunately not be available to sample at any of our upcoming pop-up events. Maybe next year!

I could not be more proud of this company—or more grateful to you, our loyal customer. Every time you choose the MostlyWater brand, you give us a legitimate purchase transaction for Mitch to report on. Without your business, our skyrocketing revenue would likely raise flags with both local and federal law enforcement. So I want to reassure you that I’m as committed as ever to delivering you a great customer experience.

I promise you that while we expand this new line of plumping serums, we will continue to produce the same high quality, small-batch masks, lotions, soaps, and aloe jars you’ve come to love and expect from us. I also promise that I will continue to personally run the day-to-day operations here, even as we grow into a two hundred million dollar company over the next few weeks.

I promise to stay grateful.

I promise to come to work every day with the same passion for organic skincare that has motivated me since I started this business five months ago.

I promise to listen to your feedback.

I promise that my uncle’s lawyer, Mitch, is not affiliated with any mixed-use residential properties in East Vancouver.

I promise that I will continue to uphold MostlyWater’s core principles of simplicity, sustainability, and plausible deniability.

And I promise that I am definitely, definitely not aware of any grenade launchers in my shed.