By contributing writer Johnny Groeling

After nearly six months of avoiding the gym at all costs, massive amounts of cheap spirits, meat, and cheese has taken its toll on my body. High cholesterol and high blood pressure along with low self-esteem finally prompts me to go to the gym.

-Ahh, back to the gym… let's get to the scale, see what we're working with.

-Fuck, 245 pounds. Whatever, this shit's probably broken. I'm definitely more like 225 pounds. Just gotta work off that freshman 15, it's all good.

-Actually, you started college at around 180 pounds, man. Plus, you're a senior.

-Fuck. Alright, no biggie. 45 pounds, I've got two months ‘til summer. Just gotta hit it hard man, let's get to work.

(I pass the first of many mirrors.)

-Not too shabby.

-You look like Horatio Sanz.

(I make my way into the free weight room. It is packed with people who obviously hit the gym a little more than me.)

-That kid's pretty cut. I'd be cut too if I had no life and came to the gym everyday. Queer.

-Dude, you play Halo on Xbox Live and demean 10-year-olds.

-Yeah, that's pretty lame. I need to get Xbox 360.

(Two guys who look like pro-wrestlers are taking turns leg pressing around a thousand pounds.)

-Fuck, those guys are huge. I could kick their asses though.

-I wonder if I could kick my own ass?


-It's kind of chilly in here.

-These gym shorts aren't flattering, it looks like I'm hiding a Tootsie Roll in the front of my pants.

-Mmm. I could go for a Tootsie Roll. Actually a JBC.

-A Junior Bacon Cheeseburger is the last thing you need right now, man.


-Holy shit, it looks like that guy’s smuggling a Twinkie and two hardboiled eggs in his sweatpants…

-Are you really checking out other guys’ dongs dude?

-Yeah… everyone does it at the gym, it's not like I want to do dudes…


-It's all about the motion in the ocean, haha.

-Enough… you're acting pretty homo, man.

– I wonder if you can work out your dick?

-Google it.


-Fuck lifting… I'm already jacked, I just need to shred the fat.

(I make my way to the cardio room, it's filled with girls. I get on an elliptical.)

-Is this girl cute?

-Her face is kind of busted, and she's pretty chubby. She has huge nonnies though.

-Yeah, I don't even know what I would do with that much breast.

-Haha, motorboat.

-Shit, I'd probably suffocate if I buried my face in those nons.

-Fuck, fuck, fuck, she caught me looking… cover up, man.

-“Hey, ummm… what uhh… what course did you pick for the elliptical?”

(She scowls at me and immediately gets off the elliptical.)

-Damn, she didn't buy it.

-Whatever, she's probably a huge slut anyway.

-I definitely would though.

-I feel like I've been on this thing for half my fucking life.

-3 minutes? Ahhhhhhhhh.

-This isn't gonna work, I can't do two months of this.

-How'd I lose weight last summer?

-Ex-Lax and Hydroxycut… nice.

-Alright, fuck this… JBCs?

-It's like you read my mind.

The Mind of a Single Guy »
The Mind of a Single Guy, Part 2 »
The Mind of a Single Girl »

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